Dreams are my Reality.. Do not forsake me....

Hmnn.. Thoughts... thoughts...

2006-09-24T21:48:00.000+08:00

I'm playing Vanessa Carlton's song.. A Thousand Miles. Yeah, yeah, I know. Mushy stuff, huh? But yeah, I am wallowing in emotions. Mixed, actually.

Waiting for law school could never have been this great. At least now, when I go to law school, I'm sure that it's what I want. And I'm going to treat it seriously because I have a huge idea what's it like to be a regular employee. Future plans? Take after my dad's law office. With my kuya marco.

And be single.

Friday and Saturday, I went out with one of my ex-crew in a certain network. He was a very nice friend, and already committed. He introduced me to lots of his friends but I didn't find one more interesting than my toe nail. We went in Metrowalk last Friday, then along Macapagal hi-way on Saturday, where I saw this DJ, a past acquiantance, and he was apparently screaming my name (he was behind me). I don't know whether I should feel happy that he made his presence felt or not. We didn't really part ways in a good way.

Rhon, my ex. Finally I'm over him. He changed his number so we wouldn't be able to communicate. It was an agreement of ours. I mean, he's happy with his girl now. The last thing I wanna do is feel sad and pathetic, thinking why oh why he left me when I resigned. I woke up one morning and realized, wait, is this true? I don't have a boyfriend anymore? I'm kinda a laughing stock to some friends in the media. I'm the girl whom her engineer boyfriend left when she became jobless. So when they call me up to say hello, they go, "Oh saka na tayo magkita pag may trabaho ka na ha, alam mo na, walang magpapakain sa akin!" =D

Then came Ria's bf's friend who happen to have an anger management problem. Sayang, I really liked him a lot. Rhon even saw us holding hands in Glorietta and I somehow felt guilty and happy at the same time. But you know, this Ria's bf's friend scare me, really. He'd have these fits when he's hungry or irritated, calling everyone around us "moron and a half." Last Saturday was the last straw. It really pushed me over the cliff this time. He called some guy in the movie house "fucker" and the guy didn't deserve it. He was just doing his job. Out loud for the other guy to hear of course. I mean, hey, I am very irritable and all. But a times two of that? No way!

I gotta go. More blah blahs next time.=)

Confused...

2006-08-21T22:02:00.000+08:00

Oh my God! Would you believe this? I'm back to blogging again, after so many months!

I missed online journaling, and I'm sure you'd like to hear from me too..

My life did not turn out the way I expect it to be. I failed everybody's expectation. There are some things that I cannot control. So I let fate and God decide for me.

Let's just say I resigned from my job.
Called it quits with the guy I really loved.
Lost one of my bestfriends.
Trying to break up with someone.
Torn between the past and the present.

I didn't mean to hurt my present. I buried the thoughts of my past already and I was sure of it. But when I saw him again... saw him looking at me, holding my present's hand... the hapiness to see me and the sadness and longing, all at the same time... I felt a spark of hope, of vengeance.

And of longing.

I am so sorry. Present, please forgive me. I never thought I'd be in this kind of situation. I tried, oh God knows how hard I tried to forget. But I couldn't. Deep inside I suffer more with each day of trying.

After all this time, I'm still in love with him.=(

Back Again.

2006-02-10T16:13:00.000+08:00

Don't question me why or how. This is the only answer I could give.

What I have is mature love, and what I learned to do was to accept somebody I love for who he is, no matter what kind of past he has, what he has done. What matters is what you have in the present and what you'll be having in the future. The past is past and is meant to be forgotten. Yes, learn from your past but do not dwell in it because no one can ever go back to correct what you have done. All of us have pasts--- the more important thing is whether you learned something or not. "Would you continue doing it?" or "Would you move on and make a brand new start?"

Last night was our 2nd month. We were back together. Although the glamour of being in love, the freshness of everything, the feeling of being new to the concept of falling in love was not as apparent as before, although the relationship was glitched, the happiness which the relationship brought with it did not cease. There was no cessation of joy or love. It was as strong as ever, just became molded, more mature, with a hint of holding back but with a conviction of never letting go.

And I like it that way. I love it that way. I grew up. I matured. Just as my friend Don the Engineer said, I now understand the meaning of mature love.

Finally.

Confused??

2006-02-07T15:14:00.000+08:00

List of things which happened last week.

Jan. 30-- I found out something.
Jan. 31-- I made a decision.
Feb. 01-- Had coffee with him in Mocha Blends.
Feb. 02-- Tried to sort out things with him.
Feb. 03-- Thesis Defense, flat UNO from our adviser and two panelists, with minor revisions pending (thank God, with all the stress and stuff, we made it).
-- Date with somebody else later that evening
-- Met him and tried to sort out things with him again
Feb. 04-- Made a decision again, no turning back now.
Feb. 05-- Attended a Chinese-British Wedding with Sen. Gordon sitting beside me during the reception

The main question is... Should I say yes or should I say no?

=)

2006-01-13T13:57:00.000+08:00

End of 2005

2005-12-31T15:27:00.000+08:00

Happy New Year to us all, may we have a prosperous 2006.=)

Only a few hours until 2005 ends.

I am so grateful to God for this year.

Kahapon, nung piesta, nagkaron ng sunog dito sa Gapo. May nagpaputok kasi sa taas ng isang commercial building and yung paputok nya naglanding sa mga tindahan ng paputok ng mga Muslim na tabi-tabi. Kaya pala akala ko WW3 na kahapon.. ang lakas ng dagundong. Parang nagfireworks display in broad daylight... May mga nainjure daw 16.. may namatay din, dalawa daw.. Kaya hinay-hinay lang sa pagpapaputok. You don't want any freak accident happening to you as a year ender diba?

Gayahin mo kami! Hindi magpapaputok. Heheheh.

Puro prutas na bilog sa bahay namin. Para kaming tindahan ng prutas dito. Totoo ba yun, what they say about round fruits bringing you good luck?

I watched Frankenfish in HBO last night. It was the most idiotic movie I've ever seen. Gigantic piranas can jump as high as 25 feet and can even crawl on land. They eat people and decapitate crocodiles too. Gross! My brother said the director probably has Ichthyophobia. Figures.

Why do I love 2005?

Lemme start... 2nd sem of my 3rd year was a blast, I was a dean's lister again. I passed the hard subjects, thanks be to God. The OJT in People's was a great experience and a memorable one at that. I had an indecent proposal for the first time and that was shocking but I met so many great people along the way, they may not be the one you see on T.V. but they taught us a lot, Brent, Badet and I. I was also interviewed for the World Tonight for the first time, about circumcision. I met an N.U. Bulldog, an IBC reporter, a DZMM radiocaster, Asi Taulava, Councilor Trisha Bonoan-David (who told me she thought I was Mayor L.A.'s daugher Chi) and many more.
I also moved on from the mosh pit called falling in love with Jayson. I got into a mess with this Ryan stalker who enjoyed torturing my mind for a reason I was never able to decipher because I do not know who in Hell's name he is. I dated a bar-owner several times, fell in love with him, and pushed him away because I was afraid to get hurt. I met again a PBB star who was a former classmate in elementary in one of my Summer gimmicks and had agreed to go out with him again but never did. I met Jam's friends and a band called 9th Avenue. I got an engineer for a boyfriend. I had a great bday party at Dad's glorietta. A Vietnamese journalist, whom I met during the 23rd Sea Games volunteerism, courted me and asked me to marry him (incredible). Well don't think it's chronological, these things happened at random. I also got drunk for the first time due to Tequila shots, uno in Thesis, and oh before I forgot, I had a memorable paskuhan.

I guess that would be all.=)

Dahil Ginagaya ko si Brent...

2005-12-30T14:05:00.000+08:00

I would also like to acknowledge people heheheh... galing kasi ako sa blog ni Brent and kanina pa ako tawa ng tawa sa mga nababasa ko.. anyway, I also find Eleven Minutes "hot" heheheh.

Ria-- for the butterfly na may kandilang pink na mabango
Nina-- for the very Oriental wallet
Ruby-- for the cute pink purse and cute pink mirror
Jam-- for the pink cabbage na may paa at kamay na photo frame
Hon-- sa Girbaud na wallet (at hindi pink, yehey!)
Schuy-- sa super cute na remembrance
Marlz-- sa pink na pang-gimik na bohemian top

At sa marami pang ibang tao na nakalimutan ko isulat dito pero alam ko pink na bagay ang binigay kasi punong puno ng pink na stuff ang tokador ko hehehehh. Love ko kayong lahat.=)

Happy New Year to us all!

One day to go before zero six

2005-12-30T13:09:00.000+08:00

Fiesta now sa Olongapo... My family went to a friend's house to eat lunch, may handa kasi doon. I was left here all alone. I didn't mind being left though, I love being alone and having the whole house to myself. I still haven't eaten lunch. I am not that hungry. I took out the leftover salmon (Dad cooked it last night but nobody ate it)from the fridge and heated it in the microwave. I miss Hon. Funny how you keep on pushing people away just to find out that you're actually, desperately wanting to keep them. That's how I am sometimes.

A futile attempt to struggle away from a certain person would actually lead you into wanting him more until you can't take it any longer. Stupid, eh?

Well I can proudly say that I'm inlove and I don't know why.

Tomorrow, it's obviously New Year and I've been bugging my kuya to buy lots of "kwitis"(is that how you spell it?) , "lusis" or anything na nakikita kong paputok or pailaw coz I'm not really familiar with the names but he says he doesn't want to coz tinatamad shang magpaputok. Lemme guess. We probably won't prepare anything and hindi rin kami magpapaputok. My family's becoming tired of the usual stuffs. But I don't understand how they can become tired of something which they only do once a year.

Whining aside, it's really boring here but I love it. I love being bored (whew for the first time). I try not to think of the pending stuffs which I'd have to face eventually on the 3rd (still waiting for Sir Jeff's where and what time). It's good to just watch the clock tick and savor the time of bumming around. =)

Rhon just called just to say he's home coz bumili sha ng asukal sa tindahan. Heheheh. Gotta go. A former friend is pestering me right now.

Welcoming 2006

2005-12-29T12:24:00.000+08:00

I can't believe 2005's almost over... How can I desrcibe this year? Well it was a tough one for me... But very memorable. I learned so many things about love and friendship. I came to know who my real friends are.. I learned important lessons about trust. And before the year came to a close, I had a boyfriend.

Last Paskuhan was very memorable, coz I watched the fireworks display, I was with my closest friends, and my bf was there with me(is that too mushy?). This year's Christmas break was very simple. On the 24th we went to Himlayang Pilipino coz it's my grandma's 40th day. I realized that the most peaceful place to relax is actually the cemetery. So instead of having Noche Buena on Christmas Eve, we were in North Luzon Expressway, bonding, yeah, like it was the first time my family ever travelled together. In other words, we weren't able to prepare any food, we just bought everything, cakes, ice cream, and other stuff which doesn't need cooking.

On the 27th, my boyfriend visited me here. I was very happy.

I can't believe school's gonna start again soon, only 5 days to go. I'm afraid for the thesis, we're not yet done, but Sir Jeff's assured us that it's not a big problem. I don't know what to believe.

The first will be the last and the last will be the first.

We were the first to finish some chapters before. Then Brent started bragging that we were (Oh, he's always proud, that's understandable and it's uncontrollable, heheheh) and now we're the last.. (Are we?)

I've finished reading Paulo Coelho's Eleven Minutes. As always, Coelho's disturbed my mind. I felt like an ignoramus learning things about love and intimacy for the first time. Things which never occurred to me, and things which I never dared think of. Heheh. Great book. I've read three of his novels already, I guess I'd go to Nat'l. later to buy another one of his works.

I have decided to end my year by reflecting on the things I have done or could have done as to not repeat the same mistakes this 2006.

Why do people lie?

2005-12-19T17:21:00.000+08:00

Today, December 19, 2005, he lied to me for the first time.

It was a definite and undeniable mental reservation.

He smelled of cigar, his hand smelled of smoke, yet he said he didn't smoke any.

It was a simple question which expected a simple answer of yes or no.

"Hon, did you smoke?"

"No."

"Bakit amoy smoke kamay mo?"

"Hinawakan ko lang."

O come on. Kamusta naman ang paghawak sa sigarilyo. I mean, I wouldnt't have gone mad if he just told the truth. Besides, it's HIS lungs, if he doesn't want me to give a damn about it then fine, right? I was just asking, so why lie about it?

It would be similar to me, drinking all night, chugging up tequila or vodka or whatever, and my breath would smell like alcohol and when he asks me, "Hon, did you drink?" I'll go, "No. Napasawsaw lang dila ko." See?

Tsk tsk. I feel really bad about this. Big things start from small beginnings.

Basically Polluted

2005-12-17T12:40:00.000+08:00

I am polluted. My head is, I mean. We had an interesting lunch time together, sort of a "He says, She says" thing, Brent, Ria, Jam, Ruby and I.

Could a guy who lives in a co-ed dorm really fight the urge, er, tempation and resist the charms of the variety of girls living across the hallway or the floor below?

Is loyalty really an easy thing... or if worse comes to worst, he'll just say, "I'm only human, born to make mistakes?"

Okay, I am paranoid.

I admit, I too have difficulties fighting temptations and woah, divine intervention is really needed. So how about him? How does he do it? How does he resist?

I am so unfair, what I'm doing, worrying so much about absolutely nothing. I know he loves me, then why am I so unnerved at the thought of uh.... I guess my head's just polluted.

I feel sad for Jam. And Badet too. But I think that it is the right time for them to do so. I got reasons to prove it, and I know they know what I mean... I just hope this phase passes away as peacefully and as uh... calmly as possible. I want us all to be friends, just like before.

Ria's Mark is so pathetic. It's not an assumption, it's a conclusion. How could a nice-looking guy have a brain the size of a green pea? How?

Brent's enjoying the girl talk and all. Our imagination's getting wild. I mean, my imagination. How can I even think of my boyfriend doing the deed with somebody I do not know? Brent, this is your fault. Kidding.

What a debate. A discussion in BRB over chicken teriyaki which I think had shrunk twice its original size (way way back 2 years ago).

On the hallway, on the sala, on the table, thrashing wildly about, her hands flailing like there's no tomorrow, her fresh from the bathroom look with that seductive scent of zest or camay, tapping, knocking on his bedroom door, he opens it, either he lets her in or he follows her, and they, they... WAAHHHH!!!!

Stop it, Mela. You're hurting yourself. Stop your stupidity this instant. You know you trust him, and he knows you do.

Looking forward to Paskuhan. Oh before I forget... Shopping with Ria later in RP. Sale kasi eh heheheh.

Candies for my layout...

2005-12-14T16:09:00.000+08:00

I hope you guys love my new layout... Of course, thanks to Liz, heheh.=)

Until now, I still can't believe that I am officially not single. It's been so0o0o long. You can say I am still uncomfortable being held on my hands, touched on my face, cooed, cuddled, plus the sweet talks and stuffs. But I know I would get used to it. It's just a phase I've been going through. Finally, I am loving and BEING loved at the same time. I don't know when this will last, I am not sure if we'll go a long way, but hey, I've been taking risks since forever. My life IS a risk, so let this be the last straw... I think I would just let God decide some things for me.

Every night, we see each other. A part of me is afraid, they say when a couple is always together, madaling magkasawaan or something like that. But he says he doesn't believe in it. So maybe I shouldn't too. After all, Jam and Badet are always together. And yet they are always happy. So maybe it isn't true, what they say I mean.

I feel like my dad does not approve of my decision. So many factors, so many things... In a way it makes me feel guilty, as if AGAIN for the nth time I was disobeying him. The last time we talked on the phone, he made it sound as if he preferred that I go out on gimmicks everyday and he'd even "fund" it, in turn that I stay single until I graduate and get a job since I stubbornly don't want to go to law school.

I just don't understand why my dad would prefer polygamy. Kidding. But I think he really does. Maybe he was afraid I would totally lost focus again, just as I always had with my "very very" past relationships.

It's not like I'm gonna get married soon. I know he just doesn't want me to get hurt... Stubborn disobedient Carmela strikes again. Well, that's how love works right? Go against the world! Conquer everything! Go go go! I'm inspired, and I'm in love, so what? Go ahead get hurt, that's okay. Right? Right.

I'm waiting for Heidi (who's currently taking a bath somewhere, in her dorm far far away I think) now, Ria just left. We're sort of "done" with the thesis. Tiring.

"Sniff Sniff" I'm smelling Rhon again! His scent is everywhere, what's wrong with my nose? I smell him when I wake up, I smell him before I sleep, I smell him while reading Copernicus, and I smell him as I eat Samba. I think he's been dwelling in my olfactory nerve.

Oh well, love does crazy things to people. No, make that "Love drives me crazy" but I love it.=)

I think I've been saying too much things. Enough of the Blah-Blahs.

I got Rhon...

2005-12-10T12:40:00.000+08:00

Officially, after long years of waiting... I got someone to call my own.

Yep, friends. I got a boyfriend already.=) I won't say much here, all I want the world to know is that I am the happiest girl alive.=)

Flirty Girls with Curls

2005-11-17T17:15:00.000+08:00

I am here in M@i Cafe... Of course, the hunk was here (Erwin? I think..) And guess what, my flirt dormmates are all here, wearing their skimpy tees and micro shorts, flirting with the guy, asking him his name, age, cell number! Can you believe it! And here I am, keeping all my yucky desires because I know how improper it is to do what they're doing but they don't give a damn even if all the other customers are looking at them with shame and disgust...

Well... At least they're from some other schools, I doubt if a UST student would do anything as cheap as that.

The Pirana dismissed us early today. Good. I was really so sleepy, yeah yeah, I was sleeping again in class.

Lola Luisa died last Tuesday evening, I cried discreetly in class. I know I should be happy for her but I couldn't because it's hard to let go, especially when I just saw her last Sunday. She had pneumonia, and she kept saying, "Hindi ko na kaya.." It's like all of a sudden, she didn't have the reason to fight anymore... it wasn't exactly giving up but more of... letting God take her pain and suffering away.

I'll really miss her. Last night was her first night of burol... it's in St. Peter's Funeral Homes along Quezon Ave. It was sort of a reunion... Everyone was there sa side ng mom ko, aunts and uncles, distant relatives of my mom I've never met, and of course, my kid cousins were fighting over me, they were urging me to tell horror stories so I did.. it felt stupid telling horror stories in front of my lola's coffin but well, they're kids and they want to scare themselves so fine.=)

My brother and I went to Glorietta 3 also to arrange some things there, then we ate lunch at The Soup Kitchen, it's fabulous especially for a soup lover like me, you should try it, they have all the never-heard nor tasted soups... After that we satisfied our craving for ice cream with dippin' dots.

Then I went to Powerbooks. I bought this book by Thomas Huxley, you probably heard of it, Man's Place in Nature. I'll spend my nights reading that and hopefully it will add to my brain library.

11 days before my birthday. It feels weird and depressing, the fact that I'm old, I'm officially an adult soon. I should make plans this weekend, plans which would make my remaining teenage days memorable.=)

Don't know where to start...

2005-11-14T13:36:00.000+08:00

I had lunch with my childhood "sweetheart". Oh you know, we were still little kids way way back, yung tipo na kasama mo pa maglangit-lupa at magmonkey monkey nung elementary days...

He's still as handsome as before. Like me bigla siyang nawala nung highschool sa Olongapo.. I haven't seen him for 8 years. It was pure coincidence na nagkita pa kami ulit. I thought he was dead or something.

Nagpunta sha sa dorm na puro bandage, at ika-ika maglakad. He had a motorcycle accident last Saturday night. He walked really funny but I think somehow it was compensated by his face. Heheheh.

We reminisced the past, nagkwentuhan kung sino na ang mag-on sa batch namin, kung sino mga niligawan nya before, kung may naging bf ako sa Gapo, and we both realized that neither of us felt like we do belong in that city. It was this alienated feeling that keeps both of us from always going home. Finally, someone understands how it feels.

Anyway, it was just an hour of eating and chatting. It really felt weird. I couldn't stare at him. He never knew he was my childhood crush, and I was paranoid that he would find that out if he looked into my eye. I was glad he was willing to share everything about his life, most guys are liars, either afraid to share what's going on in their lives or just ashamed of it. But he was honest, hesitated for most of the time (he was ashamed that he was a PMI graduate) and he felt really inferior, knowing I'm from UST, but since he was having this training for seamen in the Philippine Nautical Institute, I kinda have guessed he was from PMI. He did not deny it when I asked but said that I shouldn't tell our other batchmates about it. I promised of course, though I did not understand what's so embarassing about being a future Seaman.

He has older sisters, sina Ate Pamela and Ate Pauline, twins, who were my sister's bestfriends when they were in elementary. Well I don't know what's the thing about my sister but she had 3 twins for her bestfriend sa buong buhay nya. It's a good thing she was never confused who's who.

His sisters were really intelligent, graduate ng UP, cum laude. He said it was the reason why he's embarassed, he's always compared to his sisters.

Anyway, he said he was hoping we could see each other again, I said sure, okay, but mas maganda kung magpagaling muna from his sprains and dislocations.

Oh before you think there's more to it than that, lemme tell you now that we're just friends. And I mean it.

Back to School...

2005-11-07T16:22:00.000+08:00

Woah. The first day of the last semester of my college years.

Was a Dean's Lister again last semester. God had really been good to me. Would He be as kind to me this semester? Maybe.. If I continue obeying Him.

So no more distractions for me.. No boys, no clubbing (?).

Last Saturday, I had a funny encounter with Jayson. Yeah, I know, you must be fumbling on the mouse now, wanting to leave my blog. For the nth time, I'm talking about him again.

It was nothing really. I was driving for my dad, nasa may Ulo ng Apo na kami, this blue pajero na naka-park sa may dunkin donuts umaatras, I gave way, without thinking tiningnan ko yung plate number and it's ZGR 888. I mouthed an, "Oh," then looked at the pajero's windshield. I saw him, I'm sure he saw me too, he knew our Adventure. He was wearing a blue shirt, I think it was the shirt he wore on our 1st date? I don't know. I pressed on the gas. The moment was brief, yet it had a lasting effect on me.

"Dad, si Jayson yun," I said.
"O so?"
"Wala lang. I'm glad he saw me. Sabi kasi nya dati tanga daw ako hindi na ako matututo magdrive."

At least kahit sa mababaw na dahilan napakita ko na I wasn't as stupid as he thought I was.

Anyway, this day was not the typical 1st day of school wherein mushy ang lahat due to the long sembreak na hindi nagkita kita ang mga tao. Heheh. Absent ang prof sa 1st subject namin, Brent did not go to class. I wonder where he is right now. We're all wondering. Miss ko na sha and he knows it. So many stories to share.

Well anyway, I woke up really late, 12:00 pm, though I slept at around midnight naman. Meaning to say, I've been in dreamland for 12 hours. Before meeting up with Ria in SM San Lazaro, nag-internet muna ako sa tapat ng Dorm, the cafe which used to be Bootcamp but now it's Mai Cafe, anyway it's not part of my story.=)

May crush kasi ako dun. Heheh. Ok fine, moving on..

Nung nagkita kami ni Ria, it felt like the good old times na nagmamalling kami. Chikahan, chismisan, ulit. I couldn't believe that school's gonna be over soon. Sabi ko nga sa kanya, walang kalimutan samin even after graduation. There are different kinds of friends kasi. There are those na friends lang kayo pag nagkikita kayo, meron naman yung mababaw lang ang pinagsamahan, meron naman yung kulang na ang isang araw kapag hindi mo nakikita or nakakausap.

Pag nakakarinig ako ng Graduation March, kinikilabutan ako. In a sad way, okay, not the "halloween" way. See, I don't know what to do with my life. I know I have a direction but that direction was unclear.

Before I forget, I saw Paolo in UST kanina, with a bunch of friends. I don't know what the hell they were doing in there, on the way kasi ako naglalakad papuntang sakayan ng jeep. At first he was a blur, malabo na kasi mata ko. Then when he was about a few feet away from me, I recognized his stupid dimples and the way he was snickering at his friend like he had heard the funniest thing in the whole world, I wouldn't forget that. Pero nakakatawa kasi when I saw him, inisip ko kagad, "What was his name?"

Nasa may UST Hospital ako nun, palabas ng Lacson, bigla ako sumuot sa may gate ng grade school para lang hindi nya ako makita. I really don't want him to see me. I don't know why, I just don't want to. Whew. I hope I won't have any future encounters with him again. It's not comfortable knowing he could be where I am anytime.

Ria would say, "Kapag wala kang boyfriend, hanap ka ng hanap! Pag nandiyan na, ayaw mo naman! Ano ba talaga ang gusto mo ha Carmela Gonzales?!?!?"

Well. That's what my problem is. I don't know what I want. And I hope that "someone" out there would understand that I am not ready for anything yet.. He should just move on without me. (I'm really sorry.)

Brent, Brent, where are you? Uno ka pala sa LitCritic ha, halimaw ka pala eh! Heheh. Ako naman you won't believe this, aside from the flat one grades for both thesis and practicum, 1.25 ako sa Pinoy Journ, yun ang highest ko sa subjects. =) Would you believe that? Hehehe. I thought I was going to fail that course, but I didn't.

Jama, Jama, naku wag nang patulan kung ano man ang mababasa mo sa tagboard ko. Nagpapapansin lang yan kasi walang epekto sa akin mga pananakot nya.=)

Gotta get this published na and attend to other accounts.=)

Sleepyhead..

2005-11-04T21:57:00.000+08:00

I am tired. Just got home.

We're currently watching BattleStar Galactica Movie Marathon in Cinemax. You guys should check it out, I find it more amusing than AXN's Total Recall. It's obviously Sci-Fi, about Cylon Robots annihilating Humans in Planet Caprica, Earth's long been extinct by the way... The effects were great, I think they spent millions of dollars producing those 10 wonderful episodes for Cinemax. =)

I'm sleepy. I only got less than 48 hours in Olongapo. Should I be glad? Dunno..

Well, gotta go.=)

Godchild

2005-11-02T09:26:00.000+08:00

My mom woke me up early this morning coz my inaanak MJ was here. I didn't realize how time really flies so fast, he's 5 and he's taller than his age. He's in Grade 1. The moment he saw me, nagbless sha, then eagerly said, "Ninang gusto ko sa Pasko laruan na may remote control..."

Without thinking I said okay. I asked what kind of toy na may remote control.

"Gusto ko kotse."

"Okay. Sa Pasko. Basta dadalawin mo ako." I smiled down at him.

"Meron pa Ninang, gusto ko ng machine robot."

That moment, I didn't care anymore if promising to him would cost me a fortune. I just didn't want to disappoint him.

"Okay okay. Sa Pasko." Then I smiled again.

I went to the fridge, took some chocolates (we got lots of stocks of 'em thanks to me), and gave it to him. Then I knocked on my brother's room.

"Kuya, magkano yung de-remote control na kotse-kotsehan?"

"Magandang klase o hindi mashado?"

"Uh, kung magandang klase?"

"More or less 5 thou."

"WHAT?!?!"

"Bakit para kanino?"

"Kay MJ. Yung di mashadong maganda magkano?"

"1, 500 siguro.."

Oh okay. I guess I must start saving. I pity the boy.. He doesn't have a father. His father left him and his mom when he was 3, the guy had his own family already but lied about it, was a seaman. (I remember someone who almost did that to me). His mom is also not around, haven't been there for him for years, she's a seawoman. So MJ's aunt and grandma are the ones who stood as his guardians. For a young kid, it's gotta be tough. The least I can do is be a "Mom" for him even if it's just for Christmas.

It must have felt really good to have a little boy call you "Mom."

Halloween Sentiments

2005-11-01T19:57:00.000+08:00

We went to the cemetery (Olongapo Memorial Park) this morning to visit my grandpa and grandma (my grandma's mom but we also call her grandma, lola sa tuhod to be exact), father's side. We lighted candles for them, prayed the rosary, stayed a bit to reminisce the past. We did not see our relatives, well I think there's a pupose for that. There's been a family feud, between my dad and his siblings so... there. Funny how my perspective of cemeteries and death change as I get older.

I had this heart to heart talk with my sister.. just a while back. I know we usually don't get along well but she's really good in giving advices. It's like she can read a part of me and she's the only one who can do that.

Well I did not actuallty ask for any advice. It's like an impulse from her to just say her thoughts.

"Alam mo, sometimes kung nafifeel mo na ginagamit ka lang ng isang tao, masakit pero kelangan mo tanggapin."

I asked her what she meant. Coz clearly I do not have a boyfriend so I have no idea who she's referring to.

"You know. Your dentist friend."

I kept silent for a minute. Reflecting on what she said.

I remembered what Ria and I talked about on the phone last Saturday night when I was in Manila.

"Ria, ikaw ba, uunahin mo pa ang kalandian mo bago ang friendship natin?"
"Ano ka ba Carmela, shempre hindi noh!"

I was hurt really. But I did not mind, I had to give way. Ate Jing knew Jayson and I, our families had a great fight before. For that same reason hindi kami pwede magkita, magsama. She invited Jayson and his friends kahit wala silang pinagsamahan, ako na kaibigan nya, she should have thought about how I would feel. She's old enough to discern that, she's 34...

"Mas gusto nya pa makasama sila Jayson kesa sa'yo. She does not care about you. She does not need you anymore kasi nakuha na nya kelangan nya. Hindi ka na nya kelangan para akitin si Jayson para sa kanya," my sister said.

Before I would have doubted that.. But now as I remember how Ate Jing talked.....

"Sorry girl, I don't care kung may feelings ka pa kay Jayson pero sa birthday ko, ibobody shot ko sha," she said last last Thursday when we were out eating.

Danley, Jayson's bestfriend, was her boyfriend. Never mind the 14-year age gap. And God, she wasn;t even annulled, she does not want to get an annulment. But I tolerated her, because, I know I was wrong but I wanter her to be happy, I know how lonely she was. Danley would be seen driving around her CRV and withdrawing money from her ATM, but I didn't care, she never listened to my warning that Danley's just using her and Jayson and his friends were up to no good.

But what's her problem? Why is she doing this to me? My parents doesn't want me going out with her but I did not care coz I knew she was my friend.

"O girl pag gumimik tayo magsuot ka ng super sexy para maraming lumapit sa akin ha? Para naman pag umalis ka maraming boylets na maiiwan sa akin. Sorry pero type ko talaga si Jayson at si Danley, tuhog silang magbestfriend..."

Before, I thought those words were meaningless. Now I relized I thought wrong.

Sayang.. Nanghihinayang ako because I truly cared about her, it hurts because I thought she really was my friend. Well of course not all people who can read this will understand what's going on, I can't share everything. Only those really close to me knows what's been going on.

Uh so, for those buttheads who know nothing but criticize me and pester my blog, drop it, you don't know me well enough to judge me. (I wonder why they haven't polluted my blog for two days... is it because they knew tag-board.com can like keep on erasing their posts thanks for their IP addresses?)

May the souls of those who are in purgatory rest in peace.

Personality Disorder Test

2005-10-31T19:45:00.000+08:00

Personality Disorder Test Results

Paranoid>		26%
Antisocialhttp://similarminds.com/personality_disorder_info.html#antisocial">Antisocial>		58%
Borderline>		70%
Avoidanthttp://similarminds.com/personality_disorder_info.html#avoidant">Avoidant>		58%
Dependent>		74%
Obsessive-Compulsive		66%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
tests by similarminds.com

My personality disorders are:

Histrionic- 86%, Borderline- 70%, and Dependent-74%

I did not have eccentric personality disorders but I did have dramatic and anxious personality disorders.

Borderline Personality Disorder - individual shows a generalized pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and observable emotions, and significant impulsiveness.

Histrionic Personality Disorder - individual often displays excessive emotionality and attention seeking in various contexts. They tend to overreact to other people, and are often perceived as shallow and self-centered.

Dependent Personality Disorder - individual shows an extreme need to be taken care of that leads to fears of separation, and passive and clinging behavior.

Well the table was incomplete though... so I just narrated the rest.

Im Ba-ack!!!

2005-10-31T12:49:00.000+08:00

Oh, oh... I've been gone for a really long time. 3 days to be exact. (Is that long?)

Well, schizos keep on pestering my blog, flooding my taggy with their unsolicited opinions. Why don't they just mind their business and let me live? Am I that important to them or do they love me that much? Oooh, I'm so touched..Aww..

Anyway, I am so happy that all of my friends got good grades. I feel bad though for some who don't deserve to get bad grades but they did. I hope they've already straightened it out with our profs. It is unfair for them, really.

I am so glad Brent's a DL again, it means everything he did, his efforts and all, paid off. Well Brent, I know you read my posts so lemme tell you that I miss you so much and I am so ready for the oral defense. (gulp)

Well, I went to Manila last Friday right. I went out with this guy, it turned out well. Then on Saturday, I enrolled with Jam and Badet, we stood in line for 3 hours, imagine that? Good thing the guards called out all the seniors and another line was made for us (we were prioritized, goodie!) so the hell of waiting for so long ended. We were really hungry, so afterwards we went to SM San Lazaro and as always I ate like a pig.

When I got back to the dorm, I just slept and slept and slept until... I was jerked awake by some force... a dark force... No, make that a dark 3rd floor with no lights on.

And I realized. It's nighttime, and I am ALL ALONE in the 3rd floor. I went out and turned on the lights on the hallway. I knocked on all the doors I see to check if I really was the only person there. And oh, I really was alone. I went down, called Ria. Then I watched the Magandang Gabi Bayan Horror Special with a few people from the 1st floor. Bad move. I was kept awake all night, paranoid that ghosts would come knocking on my door. I slept with my lights on. Bad move again. I woke up with a head ache. And I decided that I can't stay in the dorm. I will lower my pride and go home to Olongapo tomorrow.

So I did, after hearing Mass with him and eating lunch, then trying to catch sleep for an hour, I went home. It really felt weird riding a bus, it's been a while since I rode in one. I was lucky coz I knew some people in the bus, some old friends, so in spite of the nausea that kept doning on me, I was happily chatting with them.

Well of course, I did not go to Ate Jing's party that Satruday night. You all know why right. She called me that Sunday just as him and I were having lunch in Chef d' Angelo's.

"Girl kaloka ka! Naku nagmamahal parin hahaha!"
"Huh bakit? Kamusta, anong nangyari sa bday mo?"
"Napaka-malisyoso ng galaw, nagbabakasakali baka nandun ka! Hahahah!"
"Talaga, heheh."
"Biniro ko sabi ko dadating na si Carmela, sabi ba naman alis na po ako."
"Ganun."
"Hindi lang yun! Sabi ni Doy sa akin, Doc, sabi po ni Jayson ang ganda ganda mo daw po kamukha mo si Carmela! Sabi ko sorry boy, mas maganda ako don! Hahahah!"
"WHAT? Sinabi nya yun? Di nga?"
"Ah, parang ayaw mo atang kamukha kita ha?"
"Hindi yun! I mean, sinabi nya YUN?!"
"Oo nga, sabi namin ni Jocel, ay nagmamahal pa ito, kahit saan tumingin, si Carmela ang nakikita. Hahaha, panalo ka girl! Cheers!"

Well I don't know what to say. Ate Jing and I definitely don't look alike. But why did he say that? It sent shivers down my spine in a good way and I uh don't like it...

It's been a while. Been a very long while. Do I still have anything for him? Oh, oh. This is the thing I fear most.

I ignore the feeling yet it keeps on coming back. He keeps on coming back. And he ruins everything, my life, my mind, confuses me, distracts me... Oh, oh... My friends will strangle me for this...

Why oh why am I still affected? I deliberately did not go to that party and now I am regretting that I didn't. I could have seen his face, seen his reaction when he sees me, seen how he moved so conciously, but I chose not to because it's the right thing. Is it?

I don't know. I don't know. I do have a big problem and it's not anger management like those schizophrenics claim that I do have just because they read a few of my posts then concluding like stupid assholes what kind of a person I am. It's not knowing what I really want. It's my fear of being in a situation when I have to choose. It's doing what I shouldn't have done and not doing what I should have done.

Oh so for those assholes out there who keep on minding my life and business, I am not a celebrity which you have to bug and pester all the time. If you have lots of time in the world, better not spend it with me. This is my blog, I can turn it into a hate blog or a love blog all at once. What do you care what I do? If it irritates you, then go read other blogs. Admit it, you're drawn to my posts. You wanna know what's going on in my life. You wanna see if I'm sad and that'll make you very happy. Oh haters. You might be all anonymous to me right now but not for long.

Like vultures, you'll wait until I'm weak and attack me when I am unguarded. Oh sorry you fools, it's not gonna work with me.

Akala ko tumigil na ang mga ganyan, hindi pa pala. Mitch and Liz, I fear for all of us. They're BACK!!!

Now wait a minute.

2005-10-26T22:19:00.000+08:00

I think commentarista1 and 2, lagarista, and guitarista, is just one person suffering from a psychotic disease called schizophrenia. Tsk tsk tsk...

Anyway, my belly's bloated because of the swimming pomodoro, cheese and onion soup, fish and chips, smoked fish sandwich, watermelon shake and banana shake. Yes, I've eaten them all (well I shared it actually with my older sister).

I've already seen my grades and all I can say is... Thank you Lord. You are so kind to me and I'll be forever grateful.=) I love all my Professors, even the ones I hated, thanks so much for the wonderful grades.=)

My dad's still dancing behind my back. Oh. Anyway.

One sem to go. I must not let anything distract me next semester. I can almost feel my goal on my fingertips... Like touching E.T. Align... Align... Align...

Oh oh, come on guys, you're too fast! You're already concluding... Well well... Come what may...

My stomach's grumbling, oh my, am I hungry again? My brother said there's a chocolate pudding in the freezer.. Yum! Gotta go!

A Way to Spend a Wednesday Morning

2005-10-26T11:48:00.000+08:00

I woke up at around 11 a.m. My eyebags are a bit swollen. I scurried on to my PC to check out my grades but it still isn't available. What the hell is wrong with UST anyway?

Napaparanoid na ako. My dad keeps asking how my grades are. I keep on saying that UST hasn't posted it yet, and I think he's getting suspicious of me. Truth is, I am not really confident with what the results would be, I know I really messed up last semester. You all know how I became addicted to gimmicks and late-night coffees, going home at nearly dawn and sleeping all the way until, clang clang clang, it's time to go to school.

My sister entered my room and told me she wants to go shopping and if I want to come along. Not that there are shopping malls here, just a bunch of department stores which sell divisoria-made clothes for twice the price. But I guess I needed to get fresh air. Anyway, for those who had stumbled on my blog for the first time, I'm currently in Subic, bumming around.

In response to guitarista's tag, I guess I am a little sourgraping... Well more of hurt, yeah. I think it's a part of the pain that I feel, though it's not as intense as the past few weeks. I'm actually okay now, maybe it helps that I met someone new. Everything's been a cycle. Somebody hurts you, you meet someone else, the pain goes away.

Well my point for posting his pic is for my other friends, who are curious, to know who I am talking about. Nothing else. Not to shame him or anything, aside for telling all the people who read my blog what he did to me.

Attack him.. it could have been so much better if he knew what I was doing. Until the very end, my pride got the hold of me. I never showed him my emotions.

Anyway, the UST-Med guy who was also the most intelligent guy I've ever met, asked me out. This would surely surprise most of my friends because only after exchanging about 20 text messages with him and being awed by his ability to have a great conversation did the thought of checking all his pictures in friendster cross my mind. In other words, I no longer care about what he looks like, all I care about is how he thinks, how he speaks, everything which is not physical but inner.

Is that an indication of being mature? I don't know. I really don't care. There are two sides of me, the immature Carmela and the mature Carmela.

When I am impulsive, deciding without thinking, putting myself to danger without having second thoughts, blabbing non-stop without self-censorship, then wham! You've met the immature Carmela.

When I am rational, logical, careful with my words, considering how the other person feels, putting my emotions behind and doing what's right, then congratulations, you've met the mature Carmela.

Oh and by the way, I am so happy that everyone passed in Literary Criticism. After all we've been through, I am glad that Ma'am Rivera saw our efforts.

I guess I have said enough.. La la la... gotta go.

Aww Bummer...

2005-10-25T19:00:00.000+08:00

I tried to check my grades. Sadly, it's still not available. Lumang grades lang ang lumalabas. Well, I'm here again in Subic. I kinda missed my room here kaya ok lang... My own personal space.

I think I should comment on what commentarista had tagged on my taggy (the redundancy is given).

Was it unfair to him?

Posting his pic on my blog and calling him a jerk is nothing compared to the pain he caused me. Maybe you should read my previous posts so you can understand. I think you'd do the same if someone lied to you and made you fall in love just to learn that he's getting married soon. People outside my little world would never understand but I hope you would just as my friends do.

Ria, I wasn't able to enroll. System's down kanina so hindi sila makaka-encode. We all went home. Enrollment's going to be on the 29th. Bummer. Bday ni Ate Jing that night so uuwi nanaman ako ng Subic. Hindi ko nga alam kung pupunta ako coz Jayson and his gang would be there, panira ng gabi. Hay hay... Pagudan ako non. Unbelievable talaga ang UST... Miss you.

I miss Brent too pero hindi ko na sha nakita ulit after we went to get our clearance... I heard what's going on with him. I feel bad that I couldn't comfort him.

I'm currently exchanging text messages with this UST- Med guy who is the most sensible and intelligent man I've ever met. I love having intense conversations with him, that's how we both call it. Mind-boggling, brain-freezing conversations about life.

Thanks friends...

2005-10-22T18:03:00.000+08:00

I am so touched sa support and encouragement na pinapakita nyo... Mitch, Liz and Brent...

Wala na kaming communication, I guess he finally saw na I mean what I said na I don't want him in my life anymore...

It's really boring here in Olongapo.. I miss Manila, I miss school. Kung wala lang dito family ko matagal ko nang binaon sa limot ang lugar na ito eh.

Lahat walang kwenta, pati mga tao, they're so dull and boring, living life like it's an HBO movie... they're all trapped in a false reality. From here, parang walang kwenta at mababaw ang mga nagaganap na kaguluhan sa Mendiola.

I actually packed my bags na. Sa Monday kasi babalik ako jan, hanggang Tuesday, until after ng enrollment. Dadalhin ko na lahat ng clothes ko. Lahat nga ng iiwan ko skirts eh. Heheeh. Now nakaskirt ako na mahaba kasi I already packed my jeans. Akala tuloy ng kuya ko may date ako or something kasi ang formal ko.

Wala rin kwenta ang internet connection dito. Walang saysay ang magkaroon ng PC sa bahay kasi ang bagal doon, 2 lng ang internet cards na available sa gapo. Walang DNS kasi walang PLDT o Bayantel, PILTEL lang. Walang kwenta tlga ang lugar na ito.

So eto nanaman ako, lumabas ng bahay, nag-iinternet sa isang super hindi comfy na cafe na "1st class" cafe na supposedly.

Oh my.

And my dad actually wants me to stay here and work here after graduation.

"Dad anong gagawin ko dito, maging PR ni Gordon?" I asked him sarcastically.

I only have two options. Work in this damn place after graduation or go to law school. Wala akong mapili sa dalawa. My dad insists I go to law school.

He really thinks na ang tali-talino ko. Being a consistent Dean's Lister in UST does not mean na magaling ako. And nakita ko kung anong pinagdaanan ng mga kuya ko, I don't wanna go through that.

When I brought up a discussion about my future as a Journalist, my dad will say na I am going to earn a measly income and that will not propel the kind of lifestyle he provides me.

Okay fine. Barahin ba ako.

Anyway, nandito na sundo ko... gotta go.

Lately...

2005-10-20T00:02:00.000+08:00

I've been very vague.. Marami na kasing nangyari sa buhay ko and you guys weren't able to catch up na..

Let me just summarize them for you.

September:

Walang nangyari sa "Ron and Carmela" relationship (actually there was no relationship) because I made him realize na wala kaming pupuntahan, it's just not meant to be. It's selfish but I made him choose, ako o barkada nya. Long story.

Gimik. Gimik. Name it. Heidi, Mc, Eunice... Schuy, Anne. Lahat. Gimik.

ADIK NA KO SA KAGIGIMIK NUNG SEPTEMBER!!!

Ang dami ko naneglect. Studies. Ikaw kaya madepressed. Yung tipong magigising ka ng 11 ng gabi tapos marerealize mo na "God, if I do not go out I'll die!!!"

Schuy and I became really close. Bonding todo.

October:

Finals.

I met Paulo. I fell in love with him and he admitted to me after exchanging I love you's that he's getting married next year.

Schuy and I had a fight, our first major fight but now we're okay. I'm glad.

Sembreak, I'm here in Olongapo, anticipating the worst situation of being face to face with Jayson.

Gimmick tomorrow with Ate Jing, my bestfriend/dentist.

Right now, it's midnight. Di ako makatulog. Feeling so depressed. Why can't I have something real? Magmamahal ka just to find out that it was never meant to be in the first place. Di pwedeng ipilit kasi lalabas akong masama, mang-aagaw, lahat na.

Life's full of shit you know. Shit in gold wrapper.

Wahh. Sakit na ng ulo ko. My sister asked me to create an itzamatch account for her so I did.

I won't cry. I am not going to make other people happy by crying.

Saying YES and Saying NO

2005-10-19T21:41:00.000+08:00

I'm getting married next year... I did not want to tell you because I wanted to settle it first...

Bull shit. Why is he telling me this?

Why did he lie to me?

I love you. Before you came to my life I thought it was okay to marry someone that my parents said I should. When you came, everything's changed...

Bull shit. Everything he says are bull.

But why are tears streaming down my face?

Could I let him go? He lied to me!

I was so furious that I did not realize I was shaking.

I was falling in love with him... With this good-looking yuppie.

Have you ever tried to throw a rock and catch it at the same time?

That's exactly how I feel right now. I've blindly invested my emotions on him and now I couldn't take it back... I can't catch myself.. and I can't keep myself from feeling so overthrown.

I love you... I love you, really. I thought now I could fall in love again, freely, truly, deeply. I have waited for this moment..

He's 27, I'm 19. Just right. Perfect. Great match...

So I thought.

My disappointment is so high I'm sure the angels in heaven are so disturbed.

Go ahead.. Marry her. You are just confused.

Yeah. I'm letting him go. I think he's begging me. Asking me to take risk with him. I remember saying no with muffled cries.

Dead Stars by Nick Joaquin. That's it. She's Esperanza and I'm who? Shit. I don't give a damn.

Was In love.

2005-10-11T12:15:00.000+08:00

I was.

WAS.

In love.

It was a short, before-sunrise thing. I know right then and there that it was never meant to last. He's 27, I'm 19. Whew. The age gap says it all. Though he looks young.. he's good-looking. Very intelligent. Rich? (I can count that too but I really don't care) and we both love to travel.

I thought I could be more than a travelling companion. Maybe make him forget his previous relationship. The hell, who am I kidding. I am probably using him too to forget my own past. Or you could say, "was probably using him."

I did not like him for HIM. I think.

The first time I saw him, in his car, outside my dorm... he, waiting for me.. I said "Wow" and mumbled my ex's name. That damn name. I said it aloud and my heart screeched.

He reminds me of HIM. His nose, his lips, his smile. Would I let him kiss me tonight? I don't know. But yeah, I know I would. That was the first thing which crossed my mind when he looked at me admiringly.

And last night. Last night, I knew, was the last of all nights. Last kiss, yeah I had let him kiss me, just a smack, a one-second meaningless smack which probably meant "goodbye, we're really not meant for each other and everything was a mistake but nice knowing you anyway." It was simply closing my eyes, thinking of my ex, feeling the kiss as if it were my ex who was kissing me.

As simple as that.

I kept on convincing myself that it was as SIMPLE as that.

But no. Again, I lost in this stupid game. I fell again. I had started investing my emotions on a guy I barely even know.

The heck, we even had the same last name.

I don't even know if it really was his last name. Was I listening to him? No. I was just staring at his face, staring... GLARING.

God, please make him love me.

I am so fucking sick and tired of this game.

Next month, who'll be next?

Is there a next?

My last words to him were, "I know this is wrong but I find myself emotionally attached to you."

He did not say anything. I know what that meant. His silence meant, "This is one heck of a crazy girl, what am I doing here and why was I ever attracted to this girl who could not keep herself from falling faster than expected?"

I'M ONLY HUMAN YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!!

My brain cells were practically screaming at him! But my mouth was shut. SHUT. ZIPPED.

I just looked outside the car window and a tear fell from my eye.

I did not want him to see me weeping... that stupid sorrowful look on my face.

I wiped the tears away, went back to being poised and majestic.. authoritative... and said...

"I want to go home. I still got an exam tomorrow. Hey, I wasn't serious when I said I was falling for you, I was just kidding."

Then I plastered that smile, that award-winning smile as if I were the happiest girl alive.

Breaking Trusts

2005-09-26T21:04:00.000+08:00

I was enraged. It's not funny being backstabbed by someone whom you trusted. And the worst thing is you did not trust that person because you wanted to but because you felt the necessity to include her in what you do because you have to.

But you know, when she stood there, explaining why she did it, apologizing, teary-eyed, I felt something in me tingle. It's a sensation that I so hate, but I guess it what makes me human. It makes me think something like, "Hey, I just swore to the heavens above that I will forever despise this person for what she did to me, then what am I doing talking and listening to her?" But the situation has put me there, there's no turning back, I have to listen to her because I have to, not because I want to, because I must give her a chance, because maybe just maybe she'll realize how awful what she did to me was. And I guess she did, I do not know, really. I am sort of confused.

Right then and there I felt like we're some sort of high school girls. What she did was so0o0o high school. But what had hurt me was she made a comment, a nasty one at that, behind my back, so I had the urge to expose her too, I had to. And can you believe it, she barely even knew me. BARELY.

But looking at her.. Staring at her. The sad disturbed look plastered on her face... I felt bad for her. She was mean to me, but if I become mean to her too, then what's going to happen? Maybe that's why the world is like this, people hurt back the ones who had hurt them. I thought if I was gonna get even, I already did, now what?

And she said, "Let's start anew." Was that she said or that's what I thought she said?

I looked her straight in the eye. She seemed really serious about it. But my anger, my rage for what she did still revealed on my face, I guess. I told her I'll think about it. Yeah yeah, I really will, you know.

Ugh. Well it's time for me to go.

Ugh.. Pressure.

2005-09-23T16:44:00.000+08:00

I am so pressured with everything... school work, I mean. I haven't started writing my articles for Sports Jrn, although I have made 4 features. Yep, four. 2 coaches, one varsity player, and one national team player. That's for softball and baseball na.

Broadjrn, I could't start pa on it, kasi the segment producers haven't passed anything to me yet... sa super dami kasi ng ginagawa talagang hindi na maharap ng mga tao. Taxation, isa pa yan. Di ko maintindihan kasi halong daldalan palagi, si Ria din lagi tumatalikod sa amin ni Jam para makipagdaldalan, she must be very bored kasi hindi rin sha kinakausap ni Brent who is seated beside her (in front of me) kasi kelangan talaga ng full attention sa subject na yun. Well it is not easy as in NOT EASY to give full attention sa taxation dahil ang hina ng voice ni Sir Chua, he's barely audible, nakakaantok ang subject, and his jokes do not help even a bit. So we really don't have any choice but makipagdaldalan to stay awake (aside from three cups of coffee).

Lit critic, wow Ma'am, saludo ako sa pagpapahirap nyo sa buhay namin. Ayoko na magcomment, bawal kasi magmura sa blog eh. Pero since you always say this line "Ano ba talagang problema mo sa buhay mo?," pwede ko ba ibalik sa iyo ang tanong, if you know what I mean.

Ma'am Rivera, ano ba talaga ang problema mo sa buhay mo at kelangan pa kami madamay?

I haven't done anything for Advocacy Journ... yet. I haven't interviewed anyone pa. Arghhh. Full-blown article daw. Kung bomba nalang kaya ipasa ko para masaya...

So yun. Yun ang mga dapat kong harapin.

Oh and before I forget! Thesis pa! Yahoo! Wow! Hindi pa kami nakakapag-analyze at pasahan na a week from now. Good luck sa amin talaga. Yang lecheng SPSS 10.0 for windows na yan, it's pushing me para basagin ang pc ko.

Huhuhuh... Tama yan, dito ako maglabas ng sama ng loob. It's helpful.. Breathe in *"hmppphhh"* breathe out *"whoooosh"*

Finally...

2005-09-21T11:34:00.000+08:00

At last. I could really really REALLY blog. It's been a while and I know people were wondering why I haven't entered any sensible posts for a long time. As if I've ever entered one.. Well..

I feel like I am floating today. I woke up startled by Anne and Schuy's text marathon.. We've had some misunderstanding last night which we decided to settle probably over coffee tonight.

My head is afloat not only because I lack sleep but because this certain issue does not and I believe it would never get out of my mind until it is solved.

How could life be like that?

Is it truly a sin to trust people who are in the first place not worthy of your trust but sadly you'd only find that out in the end... when it's already too late?

There is such thing as Situation Ethics.. Sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do because the situation and the instances call for it, not because you are weak. Why can't other people understand that?

For the past few days I walk like a zombie. Feeling for someone who doesn't know that I care for her, that I do understand how she feels. I wonder how that person would react if she finds out that I already know and I am willing to help her whichever option she chooses.

Anyway... I feel like I'm going to collapse. This lack of sleep is irritating. Really.

With pending projects and all. Grrr.

Funny but I now like Baseball. Yeah I'm telling the truth! I know I said I hated it before but now... When Coach Roberto Itugarda of the Blu Girls (National Team of Softball Women's Division) said, "Kailangan namin kayo (referring to Jam, Badet and I coz he knew we'd be journalists one day)," I was so touched. .. I felt like crying in the Philippine Sports Commission.

Go baseball. Die basketball. Yeah!

Baseball...

2005-09-20T13:58:00.000+08:00

Naaawa ako sa mga Baseball players natin.. hindi man lang nabibigyan ng attention dahil sa basketball. Kanina, nung nag interview kami ni Jam ng baseball varsity ng UST (Golden Sox) halos magsentimiento na sila dahil dun...

Bakit kasi basketball nalang lagi, as in lagi nalang nakakasawa na?

Awaiting them...

2005-09-15T13:09:00.000+08:00

I am so happy. Magiging dormmates ko na sila Mitch and K.C. ... well not exactly dormmates kasi nasa kabilang dorm sila, pero iisa lang ang owner nung dorm ko and dorm nila.=)

Can't wait... I'm so happy kasi may makikita na akong friends sa street namin everyday. Shempre kasali narin ang pagbobonding and stuff heheh.

Escaping from Falling in Love.

2005-09-13T13:37:00.000+08:00

Bakit ba natatakot ako kay Ron?

Dahil ba gimikero sha?

Dahil gwapo sha at lapitin ng chics?

Inferiority complex lang ba ang nararamdaman ko?

O talagang kahit baliktarin ko ang mundo hindi tlga kami pareho ng mundong ginagalawan?

We're opposites. Exact opposites.

Gulong gulo na ako. Ang tagal ko na kasing hindi nararamdaman yung ganito eh. More than a year na.

Nakita namin si Patrick, may kasamang ibang babae. I am pretty sure Patrick saw us too. I froze. Didn't know what to do.

I want to cry. Wala na ba talaga akong karapatang magmahal at mahalin?

Tanga ba talaga ako? Walang kapasidad na mamili ng tamang lalaki?

Am I really overflowing with negative aura? Kaya lahat ng maling tao ang lumalapit sa akin?

Or is it all in my mind? Paranoid lang ako na saktan uli at lokohin.. Kaya niloloko nga ako, ganun nga kaya?

Recognition ngayon, antay ko Ria. Ewan ko. Nakadikit na ata yung self-confidence ko kay Ria. Parang hindi ko na kaya lumabas ng bahay na walang nakikitang familiar face.

Si Ryan Mico naman, trying hard parin umepal. Nagmessage sa 2nd account ko, nananakot nanaman. Man, come on. Di na ako natatakot sa kanya. Mas marami akong iniisip na mas mahalaga para problemahin pa sha....

Like Ron and I.

=(

Kung mamahalin ko sha, mamahalin kaya nya ako?

Kung pagkakatiwalaan ko sha, lolokohin kaya nya ako?

Would he choose me over his everyday gimmick, yes, I do mean, everyday as in 24/7 walang kapagurang pag-inom/pagtambay/pangchichics? ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Ayoko na mag-isip!

Making Faces

2005-09-09T12:58:00.000+08:00

I feel bad that Ria didn't make it in the Circle of 12 sa AB Songfest, pero sa totoo lang, hindi naman nya kelangan mapasama doon, alam naming lahat na she's a good singer, wala shang kailangang patunayan dahil napatunayan na nya. Proud parin ako sa kanya, nasasaktan ako nung nakita ko sha na naiyak kasi I don't want her to feel like a failure coz she's definitely not.

This day is a typical day, except that hindi nagpaparamdam si Ron buong araw. I'm used to this naman, magparamdam lang sha kung kelan nya feel, wala nalang sa akin yun, he's not my boyfriend anyway so I shouldn't feel bad. May sari-sarili kaming buhay, business nya tapos school ko. Kaya hindi sa manhid ako, wala na lang talaga akong pakialam.

Funny how sometimes wala ka namang ginagawa, nananahimik ka, tapos biglang may isang tao na hindi mo inaano pero pinaplastik ka pala at nagagawa pang magMAKE FACE kapag nakatalikod ka, hindi nya alam na yung mga kaibigan ng taong ginaganon nya nakikita sha. Sa mga kaklase kong makakabasa ng blog ko, cguro kilala nyo na ang tinutukoy ko, dahil obvious naman ang ginagawa nya. Ang masasabi ko lang, hindi ko alam kung anong problema nya sa buhay nya, kung insecure sha o ano, dahil wala akong ginagawa sa kanya at alam ng lahat ng friends ko sa class na nananahimik ako at wala akong ginagawa sa kanya.

To you miss, wag kang duwag. Wag ka ring plastik. Kung may problema ka sa akin, sabihin mo ng harapan, dahil oras na ako mismo ang makahuli sa iyo na nagmamake face ka sa akin dahil napadikit ka sa gamit ko o hinawakan mo bag mo, baka masampal kita. Pagod na akong makipag-away sa mga taong magugulat nalang ako inaaway ako na hindi ko naman inaano. Minsan na akong napagbintangan sa mga hindi ko ginawa, like nung first year, nagkaron kami ng conflict ni __________ na friend ko na ngayon, kasi may nagsabi na may sinabi daw ako about her na hindi ko naman sinabi ever kundi si Maricar Cervo ang nagsabi dahil yun ang galit sa kanya at hindi ako, in fact isa lang ako sa mga pinagsabihan ni Maricar kaya ewan ko kung bakit ako ang napagbintangan (I'm glad tapos na yun), at nung napagbintangan kami nila Ria and Brent ni __________ about sa hate mail, na hindi rin namin ginawa, pero shempre past na ito, I'm just stating it for the purpose of giving an example.

Kaya pwede ba, tumigil ka nalang at manahimik sa isang tabi? Nakakapagod eh. Kung wala kang magawa, buhay mo asikasuhin mo wag ka mandamay ha! Kasi sa totoo lang di ako bababa sa level mo para awayin ka. At alam narin nila Ria, Brent, Jam, Badet ang ginawa mo dahil sila rin mismo ang nakakita. Baka pag mukha mo ang ginaya ko especially ang ________ mo maoffend ka talaga dahil ehem naman ha? Puleezzzz.

Tama na nga, dito nanaman ako sa blog nanggigigil. Hay.

Isa pa, yung dating editor sa MPH, na nangangarir sa akin na may girlfriend na, totally deadma to death ko kasi nga nakakababa naman sa sarili yun, feeling nya papatulan ko pa sha eh may gf nga sha, alam nyo yun, tapos hindi ko talaga sha pinapansin. Dati kasi binigay ko number ko sa kanya, pero nagpalit na ako at hindi ko binigay sa kanya. We never met personally pa pero he kept on asking me out. Everyday cguro yun, magsesend sha ng message sa YM, hindi ko sha pinapansin, minsan naman tatarayan ko sha na "Pwede ba asikasuhin mo muna gf mo bago mo ako kausapin?" kasi nakakapikon nga naman talaga, dapat yung mga ganung klaseng lalaki pinapatay eh. Kawawa yung gf nila hindi alam ganun ginagawa nila. Kesyo nagkakalabuan na daw sila, whatever. Ayon, kanina namgessage uli sa YM, eh di tinarayan ko nanaman, sabi ko "Wala ka ba talagang magawa sa buhay mo?" Sabi ba naman sa akin, "Don't give yourself too much credit, for your information you're not that pretty." Tapos naglog out na para di ako makareply.

Hindi ako na-offend sa sinabi nya eh, hello, lahat ng lalaking tinarayan ko yan ang sinasabi sa akin eh. Ang nainis ako, parang ang lumalabas eh nagpapahabol effect ako sa kanya! Pucha! Hindi ba sha makagets! Hindi ako si Ms. 2nd hand, na papatol sa isang taken na guy. Hindi nya ba matanggap yun na ayoko, ayoko, ayoko at ayoko at hindi ako nagpapakipot lang o nagmamaganda? Hindi rin ako nagmamafeeling. Hindi ko sha pinapansin dahil ayoko tlga sha pansinin per se, saka isa shang walang kwentang disloyal na lalaki sa gf nya, yun ang dahilan, it has nothing to do with being pretty or not. Hoy Jayvee Fernandez. Alam kong nagpupunta ka sa blog ko, asshole ka. Imemessage ko sa multiply ang gf mo na editor din para sabihin na may gf ka na, naghahanap ka pa. Kawawa lang gf mo sa iyo. Kahit editor ka pa o kung ano man, wala akong respeto sa iyo.

Anyway, malamang kaya ka natanggal sa MPH kasi stupido ka, isa kang tonto. Hindi lahat ng babae makukuha mo, at hindi lahat sasakyan ang katarantaduhan mo.

I thank you. Bow. (**With matching bowing gesture**)

Iba na talaga ang panahon ngayon. Kahit umupo ka lang siguro sa isang tabi, magugulat ka may kaaway ka na.

This is my blog. So I have every right in the world to write here what I think and how I feel.

Jejejejejej!

2005-09-08T17:58:00.000+08:00

Oooh ballet, feeling sosyal ako, joke!=)

Yup Mitch, tapos na ang walang kwentang kabanata ni Ryan Mico sa buhay ko. LOL!=) Love din kita!

Yup Nina love ko tlga pic na kinuha mo the best! Isa pa!=)

Suportahan natin si Ria bukas please, dala kayo ng banner din ha! GO RIA GO!=)

Uh.. pamangkin ko, babae yan ha, hehehe, gwapo lang talaga si Rafaella hahahahah!=)

Sha nga pala, may bago na ako fafable... at fafable material tlga.. Sana for real na ito.

Saturday gimmick after watching ballet

2005-09-05T14:14:00.000+08:00

I thought my Saturday would just be another ordinary Saturday in my 4th year college life... But I guess I was wrong. Well here's the summary of how my Saturday went...

I went to school at about 9 am and had (Brent and I) our thesis questionnaires xeroxed. We were late for taxation class and because of that I was excused for recitation (whew!). Sadly, I wasn't able to watch Ria sing in the songfest but I was happy that she made it on the top 25 (is that right?). She was chosen and she deserves it.=)

Then after taxation class, we floated our questionnaires, the respondents were participative so we were lucky. We finished at 3, and Ria decided to go to Quiapo to buy DVDs, pirated of course.=) I went with her, thinking that going to tiangge is a nice way to spend a Saturday afternoon. So we got there and gosh, namili to the max kami, we felt we were in earrings heaven. P10 and P20 lang ang mga earrings which were normally sold in the malls for a hundred bucks. But bigla umulan so we decided to eat muna in KFC and hintayin magstop yung ulan before we go home.

We were about to finish eating when Heidi called me sa phone.

"Mela I got free tickets sa CCP, do you want to watch ballet?"

"Hahahah! Tlga? Cge!"

"Yehey! Then after that pwede tayo gumimik if you want.."

"Sure, ok. What time?"

"Let's meet at 8."

So that's settled na. It was about 5 pm na nung tumawag sha. I realized pagka-end ko ng call na mukha akong wasted. Naalala ko na puyat pala ako for 3 consecutive days.

Ria asked what was that all about so I told her everything. We decided to go home na immediately para I could prepare.

5:30 na ako nakarating ng dorm. It was really raining hard and super traffic. I took a nap for 30 mins. then bumangon na ako. I took a quick shower then nagbihis na.

Ugh! 2:30 na! And may meeting pa kami with Sir Jeff, sorry kung mabibitin kayo, to be continued nalang ha? Heheheh.

Sasasasasaturday

2005-09-03T13:32:00.000+08:00

Woke up at 6, drank two cups of coffee (you must be wondering why I am wide awake in Taxation), and went to school. We started gathering our data na... Well it was really tiring.. But the fact that we can actually start analyzing data next week makes me happy.

It's Ria's big day tomorrow, I'm so happy for her. I mean, she's a real WOMAN na, heheheh. I wonder how my night would go. Lie in bed probably, and read an R.L. Stine pocketbook Jama lent me. No plans as usual. I don't know whether I should be happy about it or not.

I saw my other friends today, Tin and Rix, it's been a while since I saw them and it's really great to hang out with them kahit 15 mins lang. At least we're still updated with what's going on in our lives.

It feels really great to see lovers holding hands, or smiling at each other, or laughing together... Whew.

Well Ryan Mico stopped bugging me for a while. Anyway, if you forgot who he is, he's the psycho freak who kept on threatening me in friendster. Maybe he realized that it's time for him to get a life. Good for him.

Wahahah! Nababaliw na ako dito sa cafe! Kanina pa ako tawa ng tawa sa kanta! They spoofed the song Chop Suey by S.O.A.D.! Parokya ni Edgar ang kumanta, nakakabaliw! Tagalog yung lyrics, ang sinasabi eh, Chop Suey lang ba ang meron kayo? Kahit siopao man lang wala?

Hahahah!

Tinitingnan na ako ng mga tao, I must stop laughing!=)

I opened my Multiply account, tiningnan ko yung isang account ng guy, nagulat ako kasi nakalagay dun roommates daw kami! Wahahah! May roommate pala akong guy!=) Uh, hindi cguro kayo nakakarelate sa akin, kung may multiply kayo you'll get what's so hilarious with it. Kasi, kung mag-aadd ka ng friend, you have to specify what kind of relationship you have with that person, kung Ex mo sha, Roommate, Online Buddy, Fiance` ganun.=)

Birthday Greetings...

2005-09-01T18:14:00.000+08:00

1. Ria Hazel Lumandog

Happy birthday to you.. 20 ka na. This is our 4th year of being classmates/friends. Ang dami na nating pinagsamahan, pinagdaanan. Marami tayong differences, pero sa guys shempre iisang type lang gusto natin.=) Salamat for being more like a sister to me, actually soul sisters nga tayo diba? Perfect combination pagdating sa friendship... Ikaw yung Ate, ako si bunso. Baliktad minsan kasi ikaw yung immature sa atin pero ako naman yung slow... Salamat sa pagtatanggol mo sa akin pag may nang-aaway sa aking hinayupak... salamat kas lagi ka nandito for me.. I promise I'll stay the same, and I'll always ALWAYS be here for you no matter what, kahit sa songfest, gusto mo may banner pa na "GO RIA HAZEL!"? Ok lang, gagawa ako, hahawakan namin ni Schuy. I am so proud and lucky to be your friend, tayo nga ang kambal diba? Heheheh. Love na love kita. Kahit graduate na tayo, walang magbabago sa pinagsamahan natin.

2. Ponyang - Cassey Belga

Kahit nito nalang tayo naging close, still I am glad na it wasn't too late for us to be friends. 20 ka narin, wow! thanks so much sa walang sawang pagtetext heheh sana kahit hindi na globe unlimited eh magtetext ka parin. Always stay happy, yaan mo na ang sad na nakaraan na yugto ng iyong lovelife, kasi pag may nawawala, may pumapalit. okie? happy bday ponyang!

Happy Anniversary to my Singlehood

2005-09-01T17:26:00.000+08:00

Well well... Today is the anniversary of my singlehood which means the same day last year is the day I officially got over with my ex, no not the day I broke up with him, but the day I realized that I had to let him go and I had no choice but to JUST DO IT (Nike!).

Okay, okay... I'm getting all mushy again. Pero I am just sharing it naman hahahah!

Well... this certain team captain asked me out. I am not going to say his name kasi I don't want to endanger him with rumors/gossips/intrigues. Basta yun nalang muna. I am going to give it a try, kahit labag sa loob ni Ria... (I really had to plug you, aking pinakamamahal na friendship!)

Schuy said we really don't look good together... Maybe we don't but, hey, it's just a date, it's not like we're gonna get married...

Anyway, my friend/ former dormmate Adel was asking if I wanna go with her sa Puerto Galera this sembreak. Man, I do, I really do coz honestly I have never been there. Pero naisip ko, sasakay ng barko papunta dun. Ayoko... takot ako. Ayoko tlga sa tubig. I know, I know, you're wondering kasi I told you guys I love beaches, well yeah I do, but because of sunsets and sunrises lang, and the breeze and the sand... but NOT the water per se.

I'm chicken. Yeah I know.

I have so many plans for the sembreak. 1st, I wanna take my friends to a roadtrip, paikot ikot ng Subic Freeport, coz well, I can officially take the pick-up out. Yun nga lang I don't know kung papayagan sila. Well, it's just a plan anyway. 2nd, I would go somewhere far... Kahit saan, basta lang it would keep my mind off graduation. I am so pressured you know.

Schuy visited us kanina and after lunch we went to C.I. for some shakes. Pinag-usapan namin si um I couldn't really mention his name, well she wanted updates, so I fed" her all she needed to know. She was putting her money down, 3 thou bucks, just to prove na magkakatotoo ang prophecy nya na April next year, *toot* will ask me out. Ok, here's the clue, he's somebody everyone knows, he's someone big, not in the literal sense of the word, but you know....

That's it. Friends close to me will surely be able to guess it. Pero ayun... I didn't accept coz I didn't want to assume, masasaktan lang ako. Ako, isang Carmela Gonzales lang, magugusutuhan ba tlga ng isang toot toot?

Heheheh.

Well Tintin my friend has a boyfriend now... I couldn't believe that she has finally found who she is looking for. I mean, saming dalawa ako talaga ang maboylets, and now look at her, her years of waiting finally paid off... She told me to just wait for the right guy, but what if there is no right guy.. Hayy... Enough of this mushy stuff, it's grossing me out. But I am really happy for her, she's so lucky.=)

I got nothing to say, uwi na ako coz I gotta wash my clothes pa heheh.

Butt Cramps...

2005-08-31T12:19:00.000+08:00

Awww... my butt still hurts like hell.. And Brent thinks it's funny...

Awwww... I drove from my dorm to Olongapo for 4 hours. I was my dad's driver nung Monday kasi...

I was practically cowering behind the steering wheel (manibela, right?). Strada yun, 4x4 pero power steering naman. Pero in fairness hindi abot ng paa ko ha, kung di ako magmamala-spice girls na platform shoes.

He told me sa sembreak I could take it with my friends kung pupunta uli sila sa gapo. yehey!

Mayabang na ako, mahaba na hair ko hehehe. Di na ako gigimik na sasakyan ng iba ang dala. Heheheh. Sana makatulong yun maka-catch ng fafa.

Arrhhh... antay namin si Sir Jeff.. thesis thingy. This friday Im going to meet up with some guy... Wala lang, just to keep my mind off things. Mukha namang mabait, kachat ko for nearly 3 months na.

I know, I know, I learned my lesson na with Ryan Mico. Don't worry, this one's not a poser.=)

Thanks friends for always dropping by... Mwah! Mwah!

Confusions...

2005-08-26T21:26:00.000+08:00

It's not Jayson's friends. It's not Kamil. They claim that they didn't do it.

Ryan Mico keeps on messaging me. Trying to annoy me. But after a week of trying to hurt me, naimmune na ako. Natatawa na lang talaga ako, this time it's for real.

I don't know what to believe in. I do not know who to believe.

My attacker is a nameless face.

He keeps on saying he was a ghost from my past.

Damn. Who are you. I don't remember YOU. Unless...

Iginaganti nya ako.

But why would he do it?

I asked him that. After he destroys me, what now?

I am awaiting his reply. He is determined. He won't stop until I beg on my knees. But I won't.

For he's going to pay. He or she is going to pay.

And oh by the way, kung sino man ang nagtatag sa akin, wag nyo laitin mga kaibigan ko dahil ako ang makakalaban nyo.

Uy friendships...

2005-08-26T12:59:00.000+08:00

Nahuhurt po ako kapag nilalait si Rhea Santos ni Mam Mamawal (Mam knows it, kasi inopen ko sa kanya), not because close kami ni Rhea, di kami magkakilala kundi well... kasi...

Nakikita ko sarili ko sa kanya.

What if maging ganun din ako tulad sa kanya... Sabihin na nating what if maging parehas kami ng achievements sa graduation, tapos sa GMA7 ko din plano magwork, tapos maging reporter din ako...

Tapos alam nyo naman ako, may pagka-slow at times.

Kung ako yung nasa lugar nya, naisip ko, ijujudge din ako ng tao, sasabihang dean's lister nga bobo naman, etcetera...

Kaya ayun, nahuhurt ako. Alam ko wala sa pagiging dean's lister yun, pero wala naman taong completely brain dead at bobo, lalo na kung magna cum laude pa diba...

Alam ko hindi lahat ng tao makakaayon sa akin, pero... yun lang.

Tama naman tlga, wala sa talino yun, sa abilidad. Pero hindi porke slow ang isang matalinong tao, it means bobo na sha...

Thanks.=)

Pinoy Big Brother...

2005-08-26T12:41:00.000+08:00

Heheheh. Mananalo kaya si Rico este Ric B este Frederic Barrerra na batchmate ko sa Olongapo nung elementary ako at nakita muli nang ako ay gumimik sa Sibil Subic nung Summer?

Heheh, sa mga nagkakacrush sa kanya, ibibigay ko number nya sa inyo for free!=) Joke! Hindi, friends kasi kami in a way, kahit nag-away kami bago sha napasali sa P.B.B.

Ganito kasi yun, sa mga na nacucurious bakit tawa kami ng tawa ni Ria pag nababanggit si Ric B. Ay mali, Rico pala. Sorry hindi ako sanay sa screen name nya.

Kasi nung nagkita kami sa Sibil nung summer, ibang-iba na nga sha kesa nung elementary kami. Nerd sha noon, Grade 1 palang kami nakasalamin na sha. Pero hindi rin naman sha matalino, lagi sha sa last section noon, siguro tamad lang mag aral. Then suddenly, bigla sha nawala, yun pala nag-abroad para magtrabaho nga. Anyway, ayun, nagulat ako, malaki na ang katawan nya, nakasando sha nun mala Carlos Agassi ang outfit nya at hindi ko sha nakilala.

Tinawag nya ako nun.

"Kristine?"

Shempre ang weird, ayokong tinatawag ako sa 1st name ko. Sabi ko, "Do I know you?"

"It's me Ric B!"

Sinong Ric B? Isip ako ng isip. Tinitigan ko sha. Natawa ako bigla dahil sha nga si Frederic Barrerra.

Since that night, (nagpalitan kami number) lagi nya ako tinatanong kung nasa Olongapo ako dahil gusto daw nya magdate kami. At lagi nya tinatanong kung bakit ang taba taba ko na. (Thanks a lot, sa lahat ng napansin nya ay yung katabaan ko sa katawan).

Tapos one time nung umuwi ako Gapo, sabi ko nasa Gapo ako at kung gusto nya ba lumabas. Tapos nagreply sha na nasa ABS CBN daw sha at nag-aaudition para sa Big Brother nga. Natawa ako akala ko hindi sha seryoso. Seryoso pala. At nagulat nalang ako nung tumawag si Ria sa akin nung isang araw para sabihin na,

"OMG Mela si Ric B ba yung si Rico sa Big Brother!? OMG! HAHAHAH!"

Ayun yun. Heheheh. Yun na yun. The end of the story.

At hindi ko sha nakilala ng lubos nang hindi nauuna sa akin ang buong Pilipinas. =) Kaya kahit manalo man sha, ayoko shang kausapin o kahit na ano dahil ayokong isipin ng tao na kaya ko yun ginawa ay dahil nanalo sha or what. Saka ang pangit tlga, kasi if ever, kilala ang buong pagkatao nya hanggang Mindanao, at ako wala man lang akong alam tungkol sa kanya. Besides, maaalala pa kaya nya ako after nun?

Ewan ko nga ba kung palabas lang nya yung paiyak iyak sa ex nya eh. Weird tlga kasi dun sa Sibil todo bigay tlga sha, chicboy. Pero shempre ayoko sha i-judge, in fairness nakakatuwa din sha panoorin.=)

Good luck nalang sa kanya.=)

Ang Royal Highness!!!

2005-08-26T11:47:00.000+08:00

This is unbelievable.

2005-08-25T14:37:00.000+08:00

I am actually believing that Steven is out of this. Well, I guess he is. He must be. But since I am accusing his friends as the people who did those mean things, I feel that he is responsible for too.

Besides, his reaction was normal. He's out of it, and blam, that's it, he says he's out if it. As simple as that. No over-reacting, no exaggerated defending of himself. Just that, "I got nothing to do with it" plain and simple.

But Kamil's reaction was different. Really suspicious. And she even brought another friend to comment using stupid ghetto english, sorry if there are "gangsta" people here, but there's a big division, some sort of an indication, wherein one will be able determine a fake, trying hard ghetto wannabe from a real ghetto.

Threats, threats, and more threats. Leaving nasty comments daw everyday on my multiply account. Woah.

If you are innocent, as in really innocent, you're reaction would have been, "I got nothing to do with that and pwede ba wag mo ako idamay sa problema mo?" and not exaggerated claims.

Unbelievable still. We are not withdrawing our doubts and arguments.

pics in Libis...=)

2005-08-23T16:28:00.000+08:00

Launching of 9th Avenue...

I have never felt so happy.

2005-08-23T15:29:00.000+08:00

I have so many loving friends around me. Because of this blog, I also earned anonymous friends. Thanks everyone.

Kamil and her friends... They seemed to have a change of plans. They would no longer post my pictures in friendster na binaboy nila using MS Paint sa internet for everyone to see. According to them, prinint out na nila yung mga pics ko. And ipapamigay daw nila sa buong UST. Pati daw sa yearbook! Hahahah! Aww.. pathetic tlga!

natatawa nalang ako sa inyo.=)

Hindi ko alam kung anong kasalanan ko sa iyo o sa inyo. Aminado naman akong naiirita ako sa kafeelingan mo, pero kung yun ang kinasasama ng loob mo, I don't think I deserve such hatred. I couldn't believe insecurity will drive you and your friends to do this to me.

Kakarmahin din kayo. And the worst thing is hindi ako ang cause ng destruction nyo.

Marami nagmamahal sa akin. Sa inyo, meron kaya?=)

I'm here sa internet cafe ni Atoy, kumpleto kami... sila Mikel, Ria and Brent... And I am earning friends kasi masaya lahat ng customer dito... ako yung bagong kahera nila eh heheheh.=)

Life could never be happier.=)

The Lady in the Laundry Shop

2005-08-22T13:14:00.000+08:00

She was not exactly the lady you'd be pleased to see. Her smile would reveal overlapping teeth and her eyes are huge, almost bulging. But she was the kindest lady I have ever met, always smiling, always eager to see me and my brother whenever we go there to have our clothes washed. She also kept this huge male cat (yung street cat na marungis) and fed it, treating it so lovingly for according to her, it keeps her happy. But last night was different. She was not smiling at all. She was teary-eyed, not her usual self.

I was with Ate Belen, my dormmate, last night. We went there to get out laundries. I knocked on the glass window, surprised to see her sad.

"O Ate Wilma, anong problema?" I asked her.
"Carmela, diba abogado ang kuya mo?"
"Oo, bakit Ate?"
"Itatanong ko sana kung ano ang pwede kong gawin sa taong sobra manlait..."

Huh?

"Sino Ate?"
"Yung mga lalaki sa amin."
"Anong sinabi?"

So she went on, relating to us what happened.

"Babae ka ba talaga?"
"Pwede ba wag ka nang ngumiti kasi lalo kang pumapangit? Mukha kang hayop sa ngipin mo eh."
"Ah alam namin bakit mahal na mahal mo yang pusa mo, kasi yan lang ang nag-iisip na tao ka."
"May pumapatol ba sa itura mo?"
"Bagay kayo ng pusa mo, nga lang di ka pwedeng patulan kasi mas hayop ka pa diyan."

These are just some of the things she hears from those people everyday.
How cruel can people get.
I almost cried upon hearing her sad story.

I flared up. I wanted to kill whoever those people are.

"Carmela ano kaya ang pwede ko isampa sa kanila? Hindi ko na kasi kaya eh, sobra na ang panlalait nila sa akin," she interrupted my thoughts.

"Oral defamation Ate. Yun ang alam ko. Sasabihin ko kay Kuya pag nagkita kami.."

"May witness ka ba na ginanon ganon ka?" Ate Belen asked.

"Oo, marami. Maraming marami.." she answered.

"Alam mo ate, hindi lang naman ikaw ang nagaganyan. Mas malala pa nga ang ginawa sa akin," I finally blurted out.

"Oo nga Wilma, malala kay Carmela. Sobra," Ate Belen said.

I did not know if it would make her feel better that she isn't the only one who were treated so cruelly. But I told her nonetheless.

"Ako nga sinet-up. Tapos nilait lait, puro kabastusan pa Ate, mas bastos pa sa mga sinabi sa iyo. Gusto mo example pa eh, kaya daw malaki boobs ko kasi marami lumamas, o diba bastos?" I told her. "Pero ang pagkakaiba, mga babae ang nangganon sa akin, hindi ko alam kung mas masakit ba yun na binastos ako ng mga kapwa ko babae sa wala namang katotohanan."

She was shocked.

"Talaga? Ibig sabihin sa ganda mong yan at sa pangit ko na ito may nanggaganyan sa iyo?!" she exclaimed.

"Ano ka ba Ate, una sa lahat walang taong pangit, at pangalawa kung si Heart Evangelista nga eh binababoy din ako pa kayang hindi artista?" I said, now smiling.

She seemed to stop pitying herself already. I was glad. I made her feel that she's not the only one, na naiintindihan ko ang nararamdaman nya.

I wish I could go on and on. But my laundry was really heavy and it was late, 10 pm na. So I told her, "Wag ka mag-alala Ate sasabihin ko kay Kuya, si Kuya bahala jan."

She smiled, her first smile since I saw her. "Salamat Carmela ha, buti nalang kilala kita."

"Ikaw pa!"

I walked home, feeling happier.

Words are words. Once you say it, you can't take it back. Pero naisip ko, bakit kami magpapa-apekto, sino ba sila?

Siguraduhin lang nung mga hayop na manlalait ni Ate Wilma na magaganda at gwapo sila. Dahil ako sigurado ako na yung mga nambastos sa akin kamatis ang ilong na mga feeling magaganda.

Huli ka BINGOT.

They threatened to make a hate-friendster about me. O nasan na? I couldn't wait for you to make me even more popular you insecure dumb little bitches.

Going back to the topic, kung pwede lang sana na akuin ko yung mga panlalait sa kanya nung mga tao na yun.. ako nalang sana.

Grabe na talaga ang mga tao ngayon.

How insecure could they get?

2005-08-20T13:20:00.000+08:00

Last week, this guy named Ryan Mico added me as a friend in my Friendster Yuki-Ya I , that is, my first friendster account. He's the 500th guy because apparently, somebody deleted me so I had the reason to approve his friend request. For the whole week (last week), he kept on emailing me via friendster, introducing himself, his work, his credentials, even dropping compliments for me. He said he was a bartender in Edsa Shangrila who owns a bar somewhere near Pier One. You can check his account for reference, his name there is Ryan Mico. His account is new, which is odd. He only had about 30 friends. He also claims he was a model. Of course, I assumed that he is someone who could be trusted. I happily gave him my number when he, take note, "pleaded" for it.

This week, we were constantly texting each other. He seemed like he was a very nice guy, telling me about his sisters, work, etc. But I have a hunch that something is quite not right. He seemed too nice, too unreal. And he kept calling me baby, sweetheart and stuffs like that. Last Thursday, I decided to tell him that I don't trust him and I think there is something wrong with him. I told him I was also not the type of girl he was looking for.

But his reaction was different. He asked me out, pleading that he will prove himself to me, that he will show me that he is a different guy. Of course naive as I was, I gave him a chance.

Fortunately, Jam and I had plans on Friday night. We were going to Libis to watch the launching of her friend Karl's band 9th Avenue. So I told Ryan that my only free day is Friday and I invited him to accompany us at around 11 pm.

So Friday came. Jam and I arrived early in Libis so we decided to eat in Pasto muna. It's just beside the Fuente Circle. Ryan asked where I was. I told him we were there na eating dinner. He said he'll see me later and that he couldn't wait.

After dinner, Karl approached Jam and I. Karl was a nice guy, we are actually friends now. "Kumare" ang tawag nya sa akin. He also introduced us to their vocalist Patricia and she gave me a heartwarming compliment.

At around 9 pm, Out of the Box, an a capella band, started playing. Coy Sison, one of my treasured high school friends, was a band member. I was so happy to see him and he probably felt the same way too that we practically hugged in the middle of the circle. It was embarassing, coz many people were there, but what do they care, I missed the guy.

After their performance, 9th Avenue started playing. It was about 10, and Ryan texted to say he was near. I told him where we were seated (on a table reserved for us just beside the stage) and what I was wearing. He told me what he was wearing too.

11:00 came. Still, there was no sign of him. I really felt that something wrong is going on.

"He stood me up," I told Jam.
"Duh, Carmela, nobody would do that to you, even the vocalist said maganda ka," Jam said.
"I know he's here," I replied. "I could feel it."

Jam looked around. I told her not to.

After 5 minutes, a text from Ryan: "I saw you na"
"Huh? San k b?" I asked.
"Honestly, kanina pa kita tinitingnan. You look like a whore. You are not my type. You are ugly. Feeling mo ang ganda mo?"

Huh?

Jam and I exchanged confused glances. She looked around again. But there was no sign of any guy in a green shirt and a yellow cap.

At first nakikipag-away pa ako sa kanya. But this person kept on texting insults, from panlalait to kabastusan.
"Ang cheap mo, desperada ka, haliparot ka, malandi ka."

He went on.

"Akala ko ba running for cum laude ka? Bakit ang tanga tanga mo pumayag ka kagad makipagkita?"

Now wait a minute! I never told him that! And that information was not even in my friendster account!

"What if I am a psycho killer you bitch? Or what if I'm a ghost from your past? Cheap ka. Worthless. Walang lalaking seseryoso sa iyo."

I started ignoring him. Anway, I was there to have a grand time.

Then something which really freaked me out happened.

My phone rang.

My dad was calling me.

"Dad?"

"Anak, where are you?"

"Dito pa dad sa Libis with Jam, why po?" Maingay so I couldn't make out his words. Katabi kasi kami nung tumutugtog na band.

"Anak, anak umalis ka na jan."

"What? Kasisimula lang halos..."

"May tumawag dito. Lalaki. Hinahanap ka. May pinagsasabihan ka ba kung nasaan ka ngayon?"

My mom grabbed my dad's phone.

"Anak asan ka?"

"Ma, Libis. Bakit?"

"May tumawag dito, ako ang nakasagot. Sabi, "Nandyan ba si Carmela?" Sabi ko "wala. bakit?" Sabi sa akin, "Alam ko, kasi nandito siya sa Libis. Nakikita ko sha ngayon." Sabi ko, "Who is this?" And sabi nya, "Kaklase nya." I asked his name pero sabi nya "Hindi na importante yun. Ang importante malaman nyo na alam ko kung nasaan sha."

The guy, who according to my mom has a husky voice, hung up. Then they immediately called me.

I felt as if binuhusan ako ng malamig na tubig. Whoever was the person who pretended to be a Ryan Mico was actually there. He knew my every move. I related everything to Jam. We were both freaking out.

But 1 am came, the band finished playing, and nothing happened. Just insults. More text insults. And he was miscalling me, for about 30 times!

"Ano suko ka na bitch? Why don't you reply? Busy flirting with men? Diba jan ka magaling kasi malandi ka?"

I ignored him. Until 3:30 am pagkauwi ko sa dorm, he was miscalling. Texting insults like an obsessed freak. Even this morning, during taxation class. But today was different. With the moral support and encouragement of my friends, with matching nakacircle pa ang mga upuan namin, we tried to solve the problem.

1. Definitely the texter is a girl. No guy would do that. If it were a guy, and he didn't like me, he'd just text one line : "Sorry you're not my type. Goodbye." And that's it.

No guy would say "malandi" or "haliparot" to a girl even though he does think so.

2. If not, the texter is a gay.

3. The texter knew me too well, that she knew my landline in Olongapo. Or because my family is prominent there, she could have found our number in the local directory. No one knows my landline number there, not even my classmates or friends in UST. Which brings us to the next number

4. She is from Olongapo.

5. She has cohorts. The husky-voiced guy who called my parents is her cohort.

6. It was well-plotted. The Ryan Mico account was newly created, too odd. And he was a member of Sibil Subic and Party Peeps which were friendster affiliations from Olongapo.

7. Ria was strong in her instinct that it was KAMIL. The rest agreed. I, was not convinced though. Here are my suspects:

My 3 ex's who knew my landline number:

Jayson- which Jam said improbable because the guy and I don't give a damn about each other anymore.
Angel- which I said impossible because we are living separate lives now.
Al- which is probable because he vowed revenge. Don't ask why, that's another long story. But he has a girlfriend now and it was a long long time ago...

These are their suspects:
1. Robert- Because upon rejecting him in a mean way, I had hurt his ego. And he has the means to know my landline because he has friends in Olongapo.

2. Kamil- This is definitely the most likely. THE STRONGEST CONTENDER. She has been viewing my journals and photos, even my profile in multiply.com. As if studying me. My face, etc. She hates me, I knew it and it has something to do with Jayson. Her friends are all from Olongapo. All gimikeras and insecure bitches.

Well both of them knew I was in love with a bar owner (Patrick). That was the trap. But Robert does not text that way. Matagal na siyang nananahimik. He's not the kind who will do that, though nasaktan sha coz he knew I was in love with Patrick. And he knew my cell number. He wouldn't go through all that trouble coz he is not pathetic. He respected me after all. He doesn't waste time with that at hindi sha pathetic.

I tell you all. Do not trust people from the net.

Kamil, haayop ka. Alam kong ikaw yan.

This morning, inamin mo rin na marami kayo. Na grupo kayo. And you threatened me na ipopost nyo sa internet ang binaboy nyong mga pictures ko sa friendster diba? Go ahead be my guest you bitch.

Stop being pathetic, you can never hurt me with your words.

I am far better than that. I am made to be a journalist. I am used to criticisms. Hindi ako nasaktan sa insulto mo, pero naapekthan ako dahil dinamay nyo pati magulang ko. Babae lang ang magplaplano ng ganun.

Screw you and your friends. Yung mga text nyo sa akin walang originality dahil yun din ang tina-tag nyo sa tagboard ko. You went all through that effort just to tell me I was ugly?

Tingnan mo mukha mo you insecure bitch. You emphasized not "being tall and sexy" to me last night? At malaki ang boobs ko na mukha akong pokpok? Na lust lang ang gusto sa akin ng mga lalaki?

Tingnan mo muna mukha mo sa salamin bago ka magsalita, ilong mo palang pamatay na.

Jerick, Steven, Doy, Thina, and the rest of your stupid, brainless, and airhead gang.

May nag-eexist tlga na Ryan Mico na malamang nakilala nyo sa Pier One Boracay. At ginamit nyo sha to get at me. Do you think I am stupid?

Jerick, asshole ka talaga. Pinagkatiwalaan kita. Wala na kami ni Jayson pero tinatrato parin kitang kaibigan. Stupid ka tlga, dahil sa iyo nasolve namin ang puzzle.

Hindi nyo pala kilala kung ano ang tatay ko sa Olongapo? O akala nyo lang talaga tanga ang isang anak ng isang prominenteng abogado na Judge Advocate General's Office? O alam nyo ba yun? Salamat sa pambabastos nyo sa magulang ko.

Steven, isa ka pa. Kaya pala tingin ka ng tingin sa account ko.

Like you said, I am running for cum laude. I couldn't believe people who came to lesser schools could underestimate me like that.

Uneducated insecure bitches kayong lahat. You got me this time. Watch your back. Hindi nyo pa nararanasan kung pano ako magalit.

At Jayson, gago ka. Alam kong may kinalaman ka dito. Pwede ba magtahi ka nalang ng gown sa shop ng nanay mo?

Kamil, pathetic ka you ugly whore. Sino kayang slut sa ating dalawa? Tell your pathetic friends too na sa susunod, harap-harapan kayo mang away. Sa akin lang naduduwag na kayo. It took you how many months to plot this? =) Half a year ba?=)

Assholes.

The Great Raid...

2005-08-18T18:00:00.000+08:00

The movie is not so "stunning" kahit all star cast sha. What made me say this? Well if you compare it with Band of Brothers, talagang makikita mo ang difference. Pero sabi nila, $8O M and ginastos for it ... pero it's good if you are crazy over war movies. And Cesar Montano played his part well.=) Paolo Montalban was actually better in portraying his role as a Japanese official. Gosh, ang gwapo nya dun. Dun lang sa movie ha? Heheh. Ang galing nya eh. Yung diction, yung gestures, yung facial expression... jap na jap!=) Anyway, mashado naman nilang ginawang tatanga-tanga at malupit ang mga hapon sa movie... Ouch! =)

Anyway.. Sometimes I need to keep my mouth shut so I won't put other people in a bad light. Itong incident kasi kanina, heheh. Basta.

Hmnn... I really really wanna go home. Coz low batt na ako. As in batt empty pala and naka-off na phone ko. Pinipigilan lang ako ng friends ko kasi mahahalata daw ng next prof na wala ako, at malilintikan din sila dahil sa magkakagroup kami sa thesis. Oh well.. Sacrifice.. Kung bakit pa kasi nagSamsung ako eh... wala tuloy ako mahiraman ng charger.

I hate what happened to Jama's grad pic... If I were in her shoes baka naghysterical na ako sa Red Images. Hindi naman kasi dapat sila nagreretoke ng pic ng walang permission sa may ari ng mukha. Ako nga sumingkit mashado eh. Kamukha ko si Pucca sa grad pic ko. Imagine, wala na nga akong mata pag ngumingiti, naningkit pa ako! Whoa!

Anyway, they called our names na. We have to log out... Bye peeps!

Living private lives...

2005-08-17T16:05:00.000+08:00

I just realized that because of this blog, I don't have a private life anymore.

These strangers would just message me in YM claiming they have seen my blog, and God, they know me from head to toe. They know my life, relationships... I got nothing to hide anymore.

Whenever I go to the mall, I can feel people give me knowing looks. Or I'm probably just paranoid.

Maybe time will come when I will remove this blog.

I miss my friend Schuy. I know not all people like her. She's really not the most likeable person in the world, but she has done so many things for me and we have shared so many precious moments together.

About hate taggers, God. Who knows if they're just one of us. I don't buy the idea that they just stumbled on our blogs and decided to criticize us like we're a bunch of animals.

They're cowards. Insecure cowards who speak as though they're the most beautiful beings on earth.

I slept at 4 am na.. I finished this horror RL Stine pocketbook which I bought in Booksale. They do not publish RL Stine or Christopher Pike books anymore. I don't know why. Maybe they're both dead... Hope not. I admire them both.

Anyone who has John Saul books? I'll buy them from you at any price. I'm crazy over his works. He's a horror writer too.

Now Kamil is always checking my multiply account. What the hell is her problem? Didn't she know that I could see her face in the "People who last viewed your account" box? Why does she keep on checking out my pics?

Call me stupid but I just gave my number to this journalist who's in a rocky relationship with his gf. I don't know why I did.

I'm hungry. My stomach reminds me of the Sports Column that I haven't started written on.

Huggies Hugged ME!!!

2005-08-13T19:33:00.000+08:00

Pics Pics Pics...

2005-08-11T15:08:00.000+08:00

Outside, the rain is pouring down angrily at the pavement...

2005-08-10T16:03:00.000+08:00

What am I doing? There's an exam tomorrow and I'm here surfing the net.

Nag"bomba" kasi sa dorm.. Ya know... to drive away mosquitos. It's silly that they thought of doing that in a day like this, and also in this time of day!

Unbelievable. I wanna go home and I couldn't because the smell is nauseating.

Multiply.com is a new fad now, I am actually enjoying working with my pics and profile. =) And the people are truer and more credible.

Pictures...

2005-08-08T16:16:00.000+08:00

That was Aron after my pic on top, the next pic is Ate and I in Pho Hoa, it was kuya's bday kasi last August 3, and that's my chubby brother right there with me sa 4th pic.=)

The Truth about Boylets.

2005-08-06T18:22:00.000+08:00

Ano ba yan, showbiz na showbiz na talaga ang buhay ko!=) Hindi naman ako T.V. personality pero may isang tao na tinatadtad ako ng intriga hahahah!=) eh ano ngayon kung hindi ka nagagandahan sa akin? You're just one in a million! =) Hahahahah!=)

Thanks a lot guys for defending me. Hayaan na lang natin sha, dun sha nag-eenjoy eh. Malamang pangit yan, hindi natin yan kalevel.=) Tingnan mo naman, ginawa pa akong slot machine! hahahaah! Excuse me pero diba sa Casino lang ang may slot? Check your spelling please? It's supposed to be slut! Oh my God super tanga mo naman! hahahah!=)

Ayaw mo makita mukha ko? Eh di wag ka pumunta sa blog ko. Anu ba yan ang tanga tanga mo I couldn't believe pinapatulan kita.

Eh di cge, mukha na ako pokpok. At least nakaka-aattract parin. Ikaw baka ni langaw walang lumalapit sa iyo. Heheh.=) Hay, wala ka talaga magawa, nagmumuka ka lang tanga.

Tayo tayo nalang ang mag-usap at kayo naman talaga ang rason why my blog exists.. to share to my friends my thoughts and what is going on in my life.

Well... Kay Mitch.. alam mo minsan gusto ko nalang isipin na "Oo nga ibang level ang kagandahan ko" dahil talaga namang kakaiba. Why? Dalawa lang naman ang klase ng lalaki ang naaattract ko eh. Gago saka Gago.

Nakakapagod din. Kasi sa bawat guy na pinagbibigyan ko ng number ko, umaasa ako na baka siya na. Baka siya na yung hinahanap ko. Pero hindi.. Ang boylets sa akin, parang pera na pinapadaan sa kamay. Pero nagpapasalamat parin ako kay God, kasi hindi tumatagal pinapakita nya sa akin ang totoong kulay nung guy, kung gago ba, kung may ibang interes lang sa akin, kung bobo, walang sense, and so on and so forth.

Maybe I have that gift of being able to tell kung hindi for keeps ang lalaki.

Alam mo, hindi ko nga maintindihan ang ibang tao. Ang ibang girls. Yung mga naiinsecure at naiinggit sa akin when it comes to the matter of easily acquiring boylets. Coz it's not fun.

Si Voltaire? Cguro hahanga yung iba sa akin pag nalaman nila nag after almost 8 years, I got him to ask me out. Pero sa totoo lang, wala naman dapat kahangaan. Hindi na siya yung Voltaire na nainlove ako nung bata ako. Isa siyang Voltaire na nakabuntis ng isang 14-year-old, ama ng isang 1-year-old na baby girl.

Yes he got his own pad.

Yes he got a good work.

But look at the bigger picture. I finally got what I want and it is him. But I can never cope up with the fact that he has an obligation, and that obligation is not my kid.

Ayoko makipag-agawan sa obligasyon nya. Mas kailangan siya nung bata. Kung pwede nga lang ampunin ko nalang yung anak nya at ilayo sa miserableng buhay ng mga magulang nya eh. Gagawin ko.

This fact is not applicable to Voltaire only. Marami pang ibang ganyang boylets kuno na nakikipagkilala sa akin. Maybe for them, I look like the kind of girl who would be their sort of savior and accept them kung ano mang gusot ang pinasukan nila.

Tulad ng walang hiyang photo editor sa Red Images na kay kapal naman talaga ng mukha. I didn't even give him my number, kinuha nya sa info sa stub ng graduation picture natin.

Cge excused naman sha na pumorma kung wala shang sabit, pero alam nyo ba na may nabuntis na yun na babae? As in buntis palang yung babae, literal. Tapos ang kapal pa ng mukha mag-iwan iwan ng voice mail sa cell ko, at yayain ako lumabas. Tarantado talaga ang ibang mga lalaki.

Yung Icko naman sa Shakey's, na nagbigay pa ng complimentary pizza, nahuli namin nakikipaghalikan sa harap ng maraming tao sa tapat pa ng dorm ko. Obviously, hindi nya nirerespeto yung babae na kasama nya kasi naglalampungan sila sa liwanag, for everyone to see. Pero ang kapal nya ideny deny pa sa amin ang nakita namin.

Si Aron na taga Civil Engineering? May girlfriend na. Inamin din nya kinabukasan matapos nya ako habulin mula Uncle Pipoy's hanggang Lover's Lane.

Pare-parehas lang ang mga hayop na lalaki na yan. Sanay na ako.

Kaya sana wag na kayo magtaka kung bakit isang taon na akong walang boyfriend. Hindi ko yun ginusto. Marami kasi ang nagtataka, bakit daw marami naman akong boylets, pero wala akong boyfriend.

Marami lang ang lalaking tarantado.

Swerteng swerte nga ang susunod na magiging boyfriend ko eh. I have so much love to give.

Siguro hindi ko palang talaga oras. Bakit ba naman kasi ako nagmamadali..

Dead shot, even though I do not know you, you're a great friend. Easy lang on the Chinese... dati ganyan din tingin ko sa kanila. Pero kahit naman madisgust tayo sa kanila, hindi rin naman sila magbabago diba? Thanks for defending me on my blog.

Mitch, Elizel and Ria, the best talaga kayo, salamat ha.=) Mabuhay tayong magaganda!

Prince Charming and the Dorm Medusas

2005-08-03T12:37:00.000+08:00

Miss! Miss!

I froze on my tracks. I didn't know whether I should stop walking or go on. I turned to face the man calling me.

And instantly, I fell in love.

I found myself face to face with the man who was calling me. He was panting, out-of-breath. Figures he had been chasing me from my dorm to lover's lane. Tall, with semi-kal hairtype.. Obviously a hunk but still had boyish characteristics on his features.

What on earth could he want from me? I thought.

I smiled. And asked, Diba kayo yung nasa Uncle Pipoy's? Bakit nyo ako hinahabol?

Itatanong lang sana namin ang pangalan mo... He said.

I noticed he was accompanied by another guy, also cute, but moreno and a little shorter than him.

Well to make the story short, they introduced themselves. The guy I like is Aron, while the other guy is Chase. Civil engineering students sila sa UST, 5th year na. Mukha na din silang mature. I told them my name. Hinatid nila ako sa A.B., asked a few questions about me...

then we parted ways after Aron asked for my number. I happily gave him my number of course.=)

Then uwian after taxation class kagabi, about 9 pm, he texted me, asking kung pwede ako ihatid ng barkada nya, gusto daw kasi ako makita uli ng buong barkada nya. Doon pala sila kumakain earlier sa tabi ng dorm namin at nakita ako ng buong barkada nya. So pumayag ako.

In fairness, cutie silang lahat ng magkakaibigan... Heheh.

And I was so surprised kasi ang dami na nya kaagad naresearch about me. Woah. Pinag-uusapan daw kasi nila ako sa class nila.

I'm looking forward to seeing him again. I mean, the last guy who has chased my for my name and number was Patrick the bar owner. And now Aron.. Wow.

The Dorm Medusas... mamaya ko na ikwekwento.=)

What a Sunday!

2005-08-01T14:06:00.000+08:00

1. Voltaire and I were texting all day long. He asked me out on a date. I am looking forward to it. Maybe my email "voltairelovescarmela@yahoo.com" will come true after all.=)

2. Icko, the cute guy in Shakey's, asked for my number. He and the other waiters there (who kept calling my idol) even gave us (Ate Belen, Ate She and I, by the way they are my dormmates who are very close to me) a complimentary regular pizza (Manager's Choice).

2. Out of charity, I bought a 2nd hand cellphone for Aldrin. I hope my friends won't kick my ass after they read this. For a moment, I thought he would hug me, but he didn't, he was still "composed" as always. He just seemed very happy and he kept on thanking me. I told him it was my spare phone, my pangnakaw just in case may mang hold up sa akin. I hope I was a good liar coz I couldn't look at him and my voice was breaking. What the hell is wrong with me?

It was too much in one day. Until now I am very happy.

The worst Chinese in the world

2005-07-30T11:18:00.000+08:00

Yep.

I am not a racist. Not anymore.

I came from a family who disliked Chinese, but as I grew up, I realized that not all Chinese are alike.

But this incident which occured kanina lang sa jeep, as I was on my way home from 168 Shopping Mall in Divisoria, changed my attitude again towards them.

Hinatid ako ni Ria sa sakayan. Nung sumakay na ako, second ako sa dulo, sa may pinto ng jeep and nakatabi ko ang isang big fat Chinese woman who was probably in her late 40's.

Siguro nasisikipan sha or what pero she kept on shifting on her seat. Pati ang dalawang malalaking Louis Vuitton bags nya ay parang dinadabog nya. Hindi ko naman sha pinapansin coz I knew I was not causing any harm to her. Pero pagdating sa may (whatcha call that pet shop not far from Divisoria?), basta dun, talagang literal na tinutulak na nya ako away from her. Shempre nakakagulat, so I looked at her with my "What the hell is your problem look?"

And guess what!

She looked at me as if isa akong magnanakaw or something!

Pagdating sa may Avenida, nagbabaan na halos ang kalahati ng tao sa jeep.

Guess what she did! Lumipat sha sa upuan in front of me, sa kabilang side.

At pinapagpag nya ang left arm nya, with that look on her face that shows how disgusted she is because nakadikit ng braso nya ang braso ko!

The nerve!

I raised my eyebrow at her but she kept on rubbing frantically her left arm as if I was a leper or something. Tapos tinitingnan nya ang itsura ng bago nyang mga katabi at ipinatong nya yung dalawang bags nya na malaki sa magkabilang side nya para walang tatabi sa kanya!

Gusto ko shang sigawan ng "Putang ina mong chekwa ka!" And God I am sorry kung nagmumura ako sa blog ko pero ang kapal talaga ng mukha nya!

Kung nadidiri sha sa mga tao, particularly sa akin, magtaxi sha!

The way she looked at other people sa loob ng jeep, tinitingnan nya mula ulo hanggang paa. Yung isang ale dun.. yung mama na may dala dalang rice cooker... yung teenager na nagtetext.. and me!!!

Hindi ko sha magantihan, hindi ko sha masabihan man lang ng kahit ano.

Nung nagpara na sha, naka-green light so nilampas talaga ng driver dun sa dapat nyang babaan. I felt it was my only chance para makabawi.

I laughed hard. Call me pathetic or what, pero natawa ako sa pagmumukha ng baboy na chekwang babae na yun nung nadismaya sha sa layo ng lalakarin nya.

She turned her head to me to see why I was laughing.

I pointed at her and laughed even more, yung laugh ko na nakakairita at nakakapanliit. I wore a smirk on my face na nakakairita talaga.

At nung nakababa na sha at hindi pa umaandar yung jeep, I continued laughing at her and pointing her. I laughed as if she was the biggest joke in the world.

She stared at me in disbelief... then at herself, then on me.

Umandar na yung jeep and that was the end of my laughter.

Yung ibang mga nakasakay, well, I guess they figured out what I did. They just smiled and didn't say a thing.

I know what I did was pathetic, but I hope she would not become a reason why I would hate Chinese people.

Blogging before Ethics Class

2005-07-29T13:27:00.000+08:00

I am not yet ready for the quiz.

I am actually lagging behind on my studies.

I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't sleep well. I dunno why. I can't understand why of all times, ngayon pa ako mawawalan ng gana mag-aral... kung kelan I'll be graduating na this March.

Maybe because I don't have an inspiration now... Except for Aldrin a.k.a. "the boy under the stairs" hahahah!

Yeah yeah. I am not afraid to admit that I really like him, and my friends already know I got the hots for him... Desperado na kung desperado! Ano naman ngayon if he's probinsyano or semi-civilized? That could be all well-taken care of.:)

Going back to my laziness... I always feel so tired. Pag-uwi, I'd rather lie on bed and sleep than open my notes. Parang lagi akong pagod. Parang sa lahat ng ginagawa ko I've been exerting too much effort, na sa totoo lang hindi naman.

I had just checked my accounts (friendster, myspace, multiply.. etc).

Some men are assholes. They'd ask for your number but won't text, or for a moment they'd show na they're very interested in you but later on you'll be surprised in their sudden change of attitude. Minsan naman kung kelan ayaw mo na sa kanila dun naman sila parang tanga na naghahabol.. sort of like that.

Well, some men... they are already committed, may gf na, sa mga friendsters and myspace nila nakadisplay pa ang pics nila ng partner nila tapos magmemessage pa sa iyo to ask for your number.
Weird.
Parang tanga.

Tiningnan nanaman namin ni Ria ang multiply account ni Kamil.

Well, sorry, I know I'm wasting my precious time looking at her unbelievably ugly face (Ria's time was wasted too, but we definitely enjoyed looking at her pics na puro kafileengan). Kung may hint man ng bitterness sa words ko.. well, I am bitter. Coz until now I couldn't believe my ex brought to bed and chose someone as disgusting as her just because I was not around and he was lonely.

Pero nasa akin parin naman ang huling halakhak kasi tinapon lang ng ex ko ng parang basura yung Kamil na yun.. Matapos pagsawaan ang filingera, inayawan na.

O diba? One year na ang nakalilipas... at hanggang ngayon masakit parin.

Malapit na ang Anniversarry ko ng pagiging single.

Yeah, SINGLE.

And the worst part is... the reason why I've been mooning over our young and hot dorm helper (Aldrin) is because he acts, talks, reacts, moves, smiles, and stares deeply just like my ex.

Pathetic?

Yup, I know.

Funny how I couldn't learn to forgive and forget someone whom I have hated and abhorred, but loved so much deeply and, until now, whose memory I could not let go.

Funny.

Coz when I think about him every night before I sleep, I couldn't remember how he betrayed me, how he had thrown hurtful words at me as if I was the one who did him wrong...

Ang galing talaga mambaliktad ng mga lalaki...

Pero guess what...

All I remember were my promises to him... His painting, drawing, and sketches of me... The butterflies... Our sweet moments in his beat-up Pajero... The bouquet of white flowers he gave me before and after our 1st monthsarry date, the day we went to this wedding na nasalo ko yung bouquet ng bride at nakuha nya yung garter...

It hurts me day by day and I just let me hurt myself.

I get satisfaction with each pain I feel. Am I emotionally pervert now?

Here's the funny part:

For two consecutive days, I've been seeing a dead butterfly.

The other day it was a big brown one, yesterday it was a colorful one stuck on the windshield of our car.

I wonder if I'll see a dead butterfly today.

"I was his Butterfly and he was my Rainbow.. just when I thought my life was shattered, he brought me hope... After he came to my life, I realized I was a changed girl. Not the anymore the bitch that I was before... "
-an excerpt from a poem I made for him

"Oo nga naman, bakit ba ako umaasa na maging loyal ka? Eh wala nga namang butterfly na nagsta-stay sa isang flower diba?"

-he told me once when he accused me of going out with guys behind his back

Anyway, to my friend ER, I miss you so much too... Take care always.

Just wanna acknowledge some peeps...

2005-07-28T18:29:00.000+08:00

Jheng! Thanks ha! Sana may blog ka din! Saan mo nakita site ko? Anyway, buti hindi namin pinanood yung evil dead! Thanks sa advice! Try mo yung If Only and Wedding Crashers, okay sila.=) Wala yun, hindi ka nakaistorbo, feel free to drop by anytime you want ha?=)

Ejai.. the guy I met in Sibil. Thanks for visiting my nest. Hahahahah! Catch you again when I got the time to barhop in Subic..=)

Ria, not Ria Hazel, heheheh, I wonder how you got to my blog. Blogsters na tayo!=)

Katherine, I promise I'll make time so we can talk. Sana nga dalaw ka nalang uli sa school para mas maganda kung personal. Mejo busy lang these days pero I promise kung talagang kelangan mo ako I'll be there.=) It's good you get to be on your own na, minsan kelangan din natin maging mag-isa.

Anyway, nakakatawa ako noh? Wala kasi ako magawa bago matulog... Syempre bukod sa pinagpapantasyahan ko sha... (Naku naku wag kayo madisgust whoever you are na nakakaalam kung sino ang lalaking pinapangarap ko gabi gabi...)

Kelan kaya ako nun aakyatin? (Ajejejej! Joke!)

Road trip...

2005-07-26T13:05:00.000+08:00

Ang kulit ng pinsan ko heheheh...

Over-the-weekend stay in Olongapo...

2005-07-25T13:29:00.000+08:00

Babalik na rin ako ng Manila later... Halos di nga ako nakapahinga... Ang bilis kasi ng araw... Nothing new in here except for the newly-built bar near Sibil... it's called Cenario... Siguro I'll check it out sa Sembreak na when I got the time...

My cousin Kyle is sitting on my right. Wala kasi magawa so I asked him if he wants to go net-surfing. He agreed naman.

Hay... I gotta go.=)

Pics pics pics...

2005-07-22T12:52:00.000+08:00

Why is the word "Sports" so alien-sounding to me?

2005-07-20T16:02:00.000+08:00

Ugh. I am not a Sports buff. I don't watch sports. I don't play sports. How the hell am I supposed to start with my article?

I think I am going to fail this class (Sports Journalism). I envy those who know the right things to say. Ngayon ko nga lang nalaman ang meaning ng rookie at ng rebound after researching for basketball terms.

Alam ko lang talo ang UST ng Ateneo. I got their names and scores. How the hell am I supposed to give "flavor" and decorations to my article to make it more sports-sounding and interesting?

I need a divine intervention tonight.

And probably a chocolate cake.

And there's more! There's this very VERY long quiz for Boradcast Journalism tomorrow. Well, I have studied already but the terms, the endless terminologies are now floating in my head, making rattling sounds like pebbles in an ice cream container.

I love school but now I am seeing the worst part of going to school.

I accidentally dropped my new phone from the top of the double deck kanina. I was so terrified that I practically screamed at the top of my lungs. I thought I would collapse. You know what they say about sliding phones diba? Madaling masira. I was expecting my phone to blow into pieces. Luckily it didn't but I was so paranoid it took me an hour to inspect every part of it (kung may scratch, internal damage etc.)
My dad will kill me (not really but I sure he'll never buy me a new phone).

Well, I'm hungry. Time for a cake.

Finally, the P.S. portion...

I am glad Mitch still remembered yung panonood namin ng The Notebook. Shempre kasama namin si Ria and Brent nun... I can remember na katatapos lang namin magbreak ni Jayson nun kaya grabe ang hagulgol ko sa sinehan. Sorry for those who are "inconvenienced" (Is that right?). Heheheh.=)

And I insist! Mayabang na kami ni Ria! Woohoo!=)

Yo Kno!!! ---Prof Aldaba

Been a While...

2005-07-19T12:23:00.000+08:00

I took this while I was asleep. (Of course I am kidding, somebody else took it! Of course I am kidding again!) hahahah!

Kunwari tulog hahahah!=)

We did not come to the acquaintance party (Ria, Brent and I). We had fun on our own... I was so happy then kasi nakapagbonding kami.=)

We watched UAAP muna... Shempre talo ang UST... Gwapo pala si Chester Taylor huh? Heheheh... Then after that nag-Gateway kami, dun kami nagdinner. Then diretso na kami Star City..

Ang daming tao, but we definitely enjoyed. Kung ano-ano sinakyan namin, pati nga yung bumper boats hahahah! We looked like elves riding on donuts! Brent had the time of his life and masaya kami kasi kahit one day delayed ang bday celebration nya, at least naging memorable.

Ang tagal ko na hindi nakapagnet... Sunod sunod kasi ang sakit na tumama sa akin.. after my sprain, allergies naman.

I guess that's all for now, punta kami ni Jam sa SM San Lazaro now... Di pa kasi sha nakakapunta dun.=)

I am so happy with my new phone.. It's not much, just a Samsung E800 but I'm proud of it.. inggit kasi ako kay Ria eh, mayabang na sha. Hahahaha! Ngayon, mataray na rin ako hahahah!=)

Ay oo nga pala... pahabol... hindi ako manloloko ha... ako nga ang niloloko eh hahahaha! Gumaganti lang.. At hindi rin ako nang-what's the term? Gancho? Ako nga ang hinuhuthutan eh hahahah!=)

Guys, if you got the time, please please watch If Only... mas nakakaiyak kesa The Notebook... you gotta take my word for it.. Grabe! Halos pinuno ko na ng tissue yung movie house sa RP sa super kakaiyak! You can ask Badet, Ria and Jam about the movie if you don't believe me (hanapin nyo sa blog ko ang links nila heheheh). Kung may boyfriend nga lang ako baka polo nya ang siningahan ko eh, hahahahah! Joke!

Campus Ghost Stories

2005-07-14T12:32:00.000+08:00

Don't watch this damn movie.

Walang kwenta, sayang lang money nyo. It isn't even about a campus horror thing. It's made up of 2 stupid episodes, revolving sa life ng dalawang magkapatid na may banda, in Japan, they're known as "Doggy Bag" at super promotional movie lang sha, although gwapo sila Koji and Yuichi. Pero wala talagang kwenta yung story, you'll doubt kung Japanese ba talaga ang gumawa, and ang bagal ng flow, makakatulog ka sa sinehan.

1st episode, about a Doppelganger.
2nd, about a haunted condominium.

See? Walang kinalaman sa campus. Asar. Sana Pinoy Blondie nalang pinanood ko baka mas may kwenta pa. Heheheh.

Happy Birthday Atoy

2005-07-14T11:41:00.000+08:00

It's my friend Atoy's bday today.. He's 26 already. I went to his cafe yesterday to give him a gift and a cake. Liit nga lang nung cake eh.. Yun lang kasi nakayanan ko now, bawi nalang ako next time...

Since Tuesday night, I got a bandage wrapped around my left wrist. I have a sprain. Naaawa ako sa sarili ko coz lagi ako nagkakaganito, if not sa ankles, sa wrist, or kung saan saan. Heheheh. I'm an accident waiting to happen.

Yesterday, Jam and I had lunch then watched a movie then shopped then had dinner together. Heheheh. We were together from 11 am to 9:30 pm. Time flew so fast we did not notice it. Ganun ata talaga pag naglalakwatsa. You don't become tired and you only feel the exhaustion when you got home.

Today is a typical day for me.

Tomorrow, Brent will be 20. It's his last day of being a teen today so I'm sure he is doing all the best he can to make it memorable.=)

Ack. Gotta go. I'm sweating like a pig. =D

Sick-O

2005-07-12T15:33:00.000+08:00

Some people are really unbelievable, aren't they?

I don't give a single damn kung may matamaan or masaktan with this post coz ang kapal naman talaga ng pagmumukha ng ibang tao.

I thought he was a nice guy, a "decent" one at that. But I was wrong. Bukod sa mahina na ang pick-up nya, wala pa siyang hiya.

Niligawan nya ako before, pero hindi ko diretsang masabi sa kanya na "basted" sya, coz that time I thought what I needed was a friend and not a boyfriend. Pero I realized na kaya ko talaga sha hindi gusto is coz hindi nya ako mapasaya and I don't wanna hurt him more, mukhang shang desperado talagang magka-girlfriend.

He befriended my friends. Ria and Jam in particular. Ria, being nice to him and all, thought she should be the one to tell him na basted na sha. I was thankful that Ria did that job for me, because I really couldn't break it to him.

So that was settled. Wala na sha sa life ko, and it's better that way para walang masaktan.

Sabi nya kay Ria, he's got a plan. Ria didn't care anymore to know what that plan is coz what the heck for, right?

Yun pala, the plan was to switch to my sister. Gets? Lumipat sha sa Ate ko at yun naman ang plano niyang ligawan. Ay mali, acccording to Jam, he told her na nililigawan na nya ang Ate ko.

I want to make something clear.

Etong lalaki na ito ay kaibigan ng girlfriend ng bestfriend ng Ate ko. Gets?

This Sick-O (the guy who courted me)-> Gladys(Vincent's girlfriend) -> Vincent (my sister's bestfriend) -> Ate Paula (my sister)

He admitted to me na sabay nya kaming in-email ng ate ko, at nagkataon na ako ang unang nagreply kaya ako ang una nyang nakilala. I knew his plan was to court who becomes his friend first, at unfortunately, ako yun. Desperado nga kasi ang taong to eh. Wala naman kaso sa akin yun, I completely understand.

I already informed my sister and brother na may nanliligaw sa akin that time, I even told them his name, and everything there is to know about him pero I told them not to worry coz he is just a friend. Nothing more.

"If that is so, sabihin mo na kagad sa kanya, kawawa naman. Lagi ka nalang nagpapaasa, kawawa naman," my Kuya told me.

So I did. Through Ria, I let him know na basted na sha.

Then came Saturday.

"Hoy K.C. anong ginawa mo kay *toot* ?" Ate Paula asked me.

"Huh? Wala. Bakit?" I asked in turn.

"Eh bakit ako ang ginugulo nito?" She asked.

"Ba malay! Binasted ko," I said.

"Naku, sabi na nga ba eh! Panay text sa akin nito kung kumain na ba ako, na maglunck na ako, yuck! Hiningi daw nya number ko kay Gladys! Pwede ba ayoko sa Intsik?" She said, disgusted.

"Labas ako jan noh, eh di wag mo replyan!"

So everything was clear then.

Pero yesterday, Jam told me na may nasaktan sa post ko na "People". And it was Sick-O. Nagkausap daw kasi sila ni Sick-O sa chat. At eto ang mga sinabi nya:

1. Hindi ko daw sha binasted. Nagtataka nga si Jam eh, kasi tanga na lang ang hindi makakaintindi na binasted ko sha.

2. Nililigawan daw nya Ate ko. Dapat naman daw talaga, Ate ko ang liligawan nya pero ako ang una niyang naging friend. O eto, mensahe sa iyo ng Ate ko through text:

"GAGO TALAGA SYA! kapal ng mukha nya! Wag nya nga ako damay sa kalokohan nya! K.C. kaw na bahala sa kanya! Dko ganong klaseng babae! Binasted mo na eh! Kung sayo di pumasa, sakin pa kaya?! Yoko sa instik!!!"

At kung ayaw mo maniwala na yan ang mensahe ng Ate ko sa iyo coz obviously hindi ka nya kinakausap diba? Eh di itanong mo nalang kila Jam, kasi pinabasa ko sa kanila.

Wag kang gago, pwede ba? Aminado ang Ate ko na desperate sha sa pag-ibig pero not to the point na pagtiya-tiyagaan nya ang inayawan ko. I hate you for thinking that my sister is that low and easy. Kung di lang nya kakilala si Gladys, at kung hindi lang gf si Gladys ni Vincent, malamang inaway na nya kayong lahat. Pero sa amin ng Ate ko, sorry ka, ako ang maldita at ako ang palaban.

And anyway, wala kang pag-asa sa kanya. Or probably hindi mo magets yun? Coz meron shang boyfriend-to-be named Nash, kung gusto mo hanapin mo pa sa friendster.

Akala ko mabait ka. Now I know bakit friendless ka. Mayabang ka na, feeling ka pa.

Kung bitter ka, wag mo gamitin Ate ko para ipakita na kung di mo ako mapapasagot, mapapasagot mo Ate ko. Hayop ka talaga, hindi ako nagbibigay ng tira-tirahan sa Ate ko.

Classes at three....

2005-07-11T13:59:00.000+08:00

Waiting.. Waiting... Waiting....

I didn't memorize Oedipus Rex and Poetics literally. What I did was memorize them by heart. I hope I'd make it on today's recitation.

I don't have anything much to tell... What I feel for Aldrin is slowly subsiding.. I dunno why. Maybe I was disappointed in him or maybe because my charm doesn't work with him. I feel sort of rejected. And he kept smiling that smile... I just couldn't tell what his actions meant.

And I couldn't believe that someone like him couldn't like someone like me.

Ego-tripping.

Yeah.

That's the word for it. I am so egotistic. One thing which makes me more of a man than a woman. I am just hurt not because I really am hurt but because my ego was hurt.

Damn.

..forbidden..

2005-07-09T14:22:00.000+08:00

Saturday...

The rain is pouring hard again. It's sort of... cold. But deep inside, my heart is burning for something. Or someone.

Nahihibang na ba talaga ako?

Of all guys, bakit sha pa?

Ano bang meron sa kanya?

My family will kill me if they found out.

Besides, he doesn't know how I feel either... But I think nakakahalata na sha..

What's wrong with me?

"Battle Royale"

2005-07-05T16:38:00.000+08:00

What if you could just kill those you hate and eliminate them from your sight? Would life be easier for all of us?

This is the thing I've been pondering with my friends yesterday afternoon in Burger King... We actually have a list already of who to kill first and who are the ones easy to kill. It was fun thinking about it. I know, I know.. we're brutal! Hahahahah!

Seriously, I think I am an easy target. Coz I am clumsy, I always stumble, I wear 3-inch high, school shoes styletos and I couldn't possible run with it. And I am famous for these lines: "I am doomed! I am doomed for life!" Heheheheh.

It's rainy and dark outside. I love this kind of weather. It mixes with my emotions. Tomorrow, I'll go home to Subic and get my driver's license. And yeah, it'll be my first time of driving our Strada in the North Luzon Expressway. I hope I still get to live after tomorrow. As you all know, I am accident prone.

And yeah.. Sana maging ok na ang problem ko with Sir. =)

Date with Vladimir

2005-07-04T13:12:00.000+08:00

Vlad---short for Vladimir--- and I just had a lunch date.

First meeting:

He texted me kaning umaga, around 8 a.m. reminding me of our lunch date. Actually, he has been texting me since Saturday night, reminding me of that. I texted him kanina, asking him na itext ako kung papunta na sha ng meeting place namin (Lover's Lane) para pupunta na rin ako coz manggagaling pa ako ng dorm. I had no idea how he looked like talaga, puro hearsays lang ang basehan ko sa mga taong nakapaligid sa kanya, most especially Pia and Ana (my friends sa dorm). Basta they provided lots of information about him, and when I was fully "equipped" na to face him, I went straight to our meeting place nung nagtext sha na papunta na sha.

Lugi ako.. May idea sha kung anong itsura ko coz tiningnan nya ako sa friendster last Saturday. (ka-friendster ko na sha coz he added me) Ako, I wasn't able to be online until now kaya totally di ko alam what he looks like.

So nauna akong dumating. Umupo ako sa isa sa mga benches... Nagbasa-basa muna ng Ethics para wag ma-bore.. Akala ko siya yung guy na nakaupo sa kabilang bench sa left ko kasi tisoy din. Pero di naman ako pinapansin. Hawak nung guy yung fone nya so tinext ko, asking where he is. Pero di tiningnan nung guy yung phone nya, at the same time nakareceive ako ng reply. After a minute, biglang sumigaw sha.

"Vlad!"

I looked up to see who he was calling. Dahil malabo ang mata ko, di ko makita ng maayos si Vlad dahil mejo malayo sha. Nung papalapit na... isa lang ang naisip ko.

"This guy is a hunk."

He smiled as he approached me. Smiled and stared at me from head to toe. Then tinaas nya yung kamay nya para makipag-apir (yeah I know it's weird). Di ko alam ang gagawin ko kasi nabigla ako sa pakikipag-apir nya. He laughed (LOUD). Parang na-cute-an sha dahil nagulat ako. Then he said, "Tara lunch na tayo!" Then he laughed again.

What can I say about the guy...

He is handsome. He is tall, about 5'10, same height as Patrick. He is Tisoy and he looks a lot like the guy in Smallville (the SuperMan guy). He also looks like Frank of Powerboys..

Ok naman sha. Ma-ere kasi model, pero tolerable naman. He laughs really loud na napapatingin na ang lahat ng tao sa paligid namin. His laugh sounds more of a hyena laugh. Mejo nakakahiya. Nakakailang coz may kasama akong guy na naglalakad sa UST.

We ate sa Burger King, shempre treat nya, alangan namang treat ko (kahit ba ako yung nag-aask ng favor heheheheh). Parehas kami ng gusto, yung Mushroom Swiss na burger heheheh. Anyway, nung naglulunch na kami, ang daldal nya. Ang lakas nya magsalita at tumawa, but basically he's fine. Kwento sha ng kwento about life nya and his career.

Eto pa ang weird. Nilapit nya ang upuan nya sa akin para literal na magkatabi kami kumain.

And he held my hand. Nagulat ako so I pulled my hand away. Nilagay ko na nga sa ilalim ng mesa yung hand ko kasi nakakailang talaga. Ang weird.

Then he said, "Maganda pala mata mo noh?"

I told him, "Ano ka ba, stop staring at me nacoconscious ako noh."

He laughed a hyena laugh. Pero he still kept staring at me.

Puro tungkol sa buhay namin ang napag-usapan namin. Yung family ko, friends ko, sutdies ko, love life ko... Tapos sha ganun din. Yung tungkol kay "the opinionated one" hindi na namin mashado napag-usapan. Di ko alam kung dahil ba nahihiya na rin ako iopen yung topic sa kanya na nahaharass ako pero later on tinanong na nya eh. At pinabasa ko na rin yung mga text sa akin para makarelate sha.

He said, "Alam mo, may issues yung prof mo na yan. Pero ito maniwala ka sa akin ha. Kahit boyfriend pa o asawa ang iharap mo sa kanya, as long as you are ther object of his lust, he doesn't care. Hindi mag-iiba ang trato nya sa iyo."

Oh well..He's right. What the hell am I doing?

Basta Vlad and I, (there is no Vlad and I).. We're just friends.

Manic Friday...

2005-07-01T18:18:00.000+08:00

This day is so exhausting. Heheheh. There's no other way to describe it.

Well, puyat ako. My dorm mate Ate She and I pigged out, literally, until 2 am. Hahahah!=) I dunno why we were both so hungry. Lumabas kami, nagtake out ng maraming food sa Shakey's then yun, we stayed late in my room.

I have a "date" this Monday. It's not actually a date. I just asked the guy to help me with a problem on a certain professor who kept on hitting on me. How? Well.. Simple. He's just going to pretend that he's my boyfriend.

His name is Vlad, short for Vladimir. He sounds likeable but he's really not. Here's why: (I haven't met him personally but this is based on what people have told me about him)

1. He's mestizo.
2. He's a hunk.
3. He's metrosexual.
4. He's an airhead.
5. He's sort of dumb.
6. He's a model.
7. He's vain.
8. He's very feeling and lahat ng girls nalang yata eh pinopormahan nya.

So you see, it's not a date. It's just a personal meeting so I can lay my cards on the table. You know, about my problem with that prof. Pia referred him to me. Yeah, I know, I know. I can almost see your reaction. But I guess she was just trying to help. According to her, Vlad has been hitting on her (I do not know if it's another one of her *ehems*, but sha naman ang mapapahiya if I find out that she's making it up as always diba?)

Anyway, I passed my former suitor Mac to Pia (yeah I did).

I am so0o0o hungry.

After All...

2005-06-30T12:04:00.000+08:00

My anger... my hate... everything has ceded. Now, when I remember the words I have said, when I remember my fury... I just laugh.. smile... and realize how sorry I am.

It turns out that "TB", the hater who said I was a bitch, is a girl who is madly in love with Brent. "TB" also called Ria a bitch... well, she thinks every girl in Brent's life is a bitch. Funny coz it made us all mad, Ria, Brent and I, na nakikisawsaw sha sa stuff na hindi naman nya concern, but I am also thankful to her whoever she is coz may part sha sa pagpapatch up sa aming tatlo...

Ria, Brent, Jill and I had lunch together. No offense to Jill.. But I was really hoping na kaming tatlo lang nila Ria and Brent muna ang maglunch... Coz I really really wanted to talk to them.

I admit. I am a brat. I always wanted to have my way most of the time. And I am sorry if I had been so selfish.

Now when it comes to thesis... The reason why I like saying, "Basta gawin mo nalang" without offering any explanation, is because I want the result to explain itself. I mean, I felt like time is running out kung mag e-explain pa ako how I derived the decision, kaya naging linya ko na yun. Sa amin kasi sa family ko, pag may pinapagawa sa akin ang kuya ko or dad, pag tinatanong ko why nila pinapagawa sa akin, yun din ang sagot nila, "Basta gawin mo nalang". Naiinis din ako kapag ganun kasi feeling ko ginagawa akong puppet, pero pag ginawa ko naman yung pinapagawa nila, and nakita ko tama nga, ako na mismo sa sarili ko ang nakakakuha nung sagot sa tanong ko.. I thought kasi you will feel the same, sorry if I apply it to you. Pero pagdating sa thesis, I swear naman talaga na walang akong dinedecide na hindi convenient o easy para sa lahat. At ginagawa ko ang lahat para maging mataas tayo. Gusto ko kasi lahat tayo magcecelebrate, lahat tayo masaya.

Sorry kung nanumbat ako, I didn't mean to. Lahat ng ginagawa ko para sa thesis bukas sa kalooban ko, without grudge or anything, makatulong man kayo o hindi masyado, I don't mind coz the mere fact that you keep me company while doing it makes me happy na... parang moral support. Sorry sa panunumbat ko.

Thanks sa email Brent.. I almost cried. Sana mamaya makausap na talaga kita, tayong tatlo ni Ria.

Yung kay Gian naman... siguro na-ooffend na talaga ako sa ginagawa nya. The reason why I wanted him out sa thesis group natin is ganito: Simula palang kasi nagkakaconflict na kami. Ang kinatatakot ko yung working relationship namin. Di ko kaya gumawa ng thesis na kaaway ko ang kathesis ko.. Or may sama ako ng loob kasi kilala nyo naman ako, madali akong maapektuhan. Kapag di ko trip yung tao di talaga ako ngingiti, di ko din sha titingnan. Pano na yun kung magkakasama pa tayo and overnight pa para sa thesis? Eh di gulo na...

Sorry Ria, I know close kayo no Gian. Pero yun talaga ang nafi-feel ko about him. Saka I don't feel good about the "bad-mouthing" thing tapos biglang makikita ko sha buddy buddy nya pala yung sinasabihan nya ng kung ano ano. I really hope you understand. I was never close with gays...

Diverting from my friends.. cge lovelife ko naman.

Is there such thing as a "forbidden love"?

Kasi kung meron.. eto na cguro yung point ng buhay ko na dumating na ako dun... Gets?

I don't love the guy. I just uh.. Ok, prankahan na tutal naman pranka ako heheh.
"Pinagnanasaan ko yung guy"...

Nakakahiyang aminin pero OO. Sana nga hanggang dun na lang sa pagkakacrush at pagdedesire ko sa person na yun kasi pag nag iba pa ng level, itatakwil ako ng buong pamilya ko, ng buong angkan ko, ni Ria most especially.. Ewan ko si Brent kung itatakwil din ako... See? Lahat sila against sa idea na yun, na "That Guy and I". Kahit nga friends ko sa dorm eh.

Ayoko sabihin kung sino sha, mas lalo kung ano ang trabaho nya, dahil sigurado ako buong mundo magugulat. Pati mga manliligaw ko noon at ngayon na binasted ko, brutal man ang pagkakabasted ko o hindi, cgurado ako iuuntog nila ang ulo ko sa pader pag nalaman nila kaya mas maganda if I'll keep his identity secret..

Isang portion pa lang yan ng love life ko.

May kaibigan ako na gustong lumigaw uli. Sige na nga sasabihin ko na. Ay hindi, clue nalang. Bestfriend ni Atoy na nanliligaw kay Daisy na kaklase namin.

Basted na sha noon. Tapos nagkagirlfriend sha ng iba. Tapos wala na sila ngayon. Tapos gusto nanaman nya lumigaw. Hayy... Cycle ba itech?

Una ang pinapalabas nya na kay Pia sha (yung dormmate ko) interesado. Yun pala sa akin. Ang ganda daw pala ni Pia, may pag-asa ba daw sha kay Pia, magugustuhan daw kaya sha ni Pia... lahat yun tinatanong nya sa akin. Yun pala ako ang gusto nya, inamin nya sa akin kagabi. Weird nya noh?

Wala na akong kaibigang lalaki na hindi nanligaw sa akin. Ewan ko nga kung bakit ako naliligawan. Oo given na yung, sabi nga ni Ria, "What's not to like about you?" pero lahat na ng ka-spoiled-an at ka-brat-an ginagawa ko na to make them see na hindi ako ang girlfriend material para sa kanila pero they just don't get it. Grabe talaga. Minsan nakakakaasar na. Heheheheh.

Ang sinabi ko lang sa kanya nung umamin sha.. "Lamo, naguguluhan ka lang. Cge rest na ako, nyt."

Eh wala ako masabi eh..

Siguro hanggang dito nalang muna...

Discussion of Patrick at Kenny...

2005-06-29T17:00:00.000+08:00

Jam and I ate at Kenny last night... Well, we talked about Patrick again. Sadly, I did regret letting him go and now... Now, I feel miserable. Kasi yung mga what ifs, yung mga what could have been.. hindi ko mabigyan ng kasagutan. It's my loss really. And I ought to find him.

Anway... Ria and I have finally agreed on putting our friendship to a higher level. It felt really good being okay again... We were finally able to say the things we've been meaning to say to each other.. And most importantly, there would be no crap or plastikan between us.

I am still waiting for Schuy to come to school. I hope she's ok.

I don't understand why some people are so concerned about my bitchiness. I mean, does it bother them seeing me so bitchy and all when they do not even know me?

Ganto ako eh, deal with it.=) Natatawa kasi ako eh, pag-aaksayahan pa talaga ng hater ko na magpost sa tagboard ko na bitch ako. Eh oo nga, bitch nga ako matagal ko nang alam yun, hehehehe.=)

At magpopost pa sha sa blog ni brent ng stuff against me. I don't know kung ikakatuwa ni Brent yun pero I doubt. I might hate Brent pero he's way too intelligent para kagatin ang pain ng mga ibang haters ko. Heheheheh.=)

I am not bothered by haters. And I hope it serves as a lesson to all of you friends who read my post. Wag kayo papaapekto sa ibang tao. Mas masisiyahan sila kung makikita nilang naaapektuhan ka. Na nasasaktan ka. Kasi ang gusto nilang makita yung nag-iisa ka, yung nalulungkot ka. Sa maliliit na bagay na yun sila nakakakuha ng saya kasi feeling nila angat na sila sa iyo.

=) I am glad things are starting to go back to normal.=)

Well..

2005-06-27T17:12:00.000+08:00

Things start to get better in my life... Except for one "rebellious" person (as termed by my friend Jam and Badet) who is trying to ruin everything for me coz he could not accept that he has to follow me in the thesis, everything seems alright.

Ria and I are officially okay. I have forgiven her, she has forgiven me. I figured that she was just trying to be nice to the other guy. Her reasons were different from that rebellious somebody. And it felt really good to know that in spite of everything, she really did love me as her friend.

I still got Jam, Badet, Schuy, Anne... and I still got my own friends who I know really cares for me though they're not physically here with me.. E.R., Donnie, Angela, Atoy, Mikel.. And I think that's something to be happy about.

Well... I got this problem.. And I couldn't tell the person coz I am afraid to hurt him..

You see.. he's been here for me lately. He was the one I turned to when shit were popping out of nowhere. I appreciate everything he is doing for me, and he has no idea how grateful I am that he's here.

But the problem is, he does not see me as a friend. He sees me as something more. At first I thought he'd eventually forget about it. You know, that he'd suddenly realize that I'm a friend material and not the girl of his dreams, sort of like that.

Right now, I got much more priorities to face.

I still think of Patrick. I still think of Jayson... and I am not sure if I could tell him that without him thinking that I am rejecting him, period.

What I need is a friend right now.. Not a boyfriend. I admit, I am looking for Mr. Right but the truth is, I don't know what I am looking for. That's why till now I couldn't decide who to choose, who to be with. I am still waiting for Mr. Right to hit me on the face and say, "Hey, where were you, I've been looking all over for you..."

Patrick was there on my face and I had let him go right? And yet I thought it was him that I was looking for. See? I do not know what I want. I do not want to say yes and then later on hurt the person by realizing that my yes wasn't exactly a yes because I do not know what I want. Yet.

God.. this is really so hard to explain.

~~(sigh)~~

You know who you are, and I know you can read this... It's not you. It's me. =( I am so sorry. But I still want to wait for someone... Someone whom I could feel would come soon.

Make my day today.=)

2005-06-27T13:09:00.000+08:00

I am so tired flaring up.

I am so tired swallowing hatred from other people.

I am so tired defending myself from "spitballs".

I won't react now. No. I won't waste my time with reacting.

From now on, my friend will be my friend and my enemy will be nothing but a pile of shit.

Criticize me. Hate me. I hope you enjoy. You can even make hundreds of blogs to put my name on if you like. Or even spread mean things about me through friendster. You're not man enough to look me in the eye and say it on my face. But oh, are you?

I so want to see my name on your blog again tonight.=) That would be really lovely. I feel so popular when you do that, trying to convince people how evil I am. Do you really care about me that much that you could not help but "bad-mouth" me in your blog?

Tulad nga ng sinabi ni Gian, "kung ano man ang sinasabi ng isang tao sa kapwa nya, nagrereflect yun sa sarili nya."

Forgive me if I said putang ina and fuck for the sickening nth time on my previous post. It's just that there's no other way to describe what you did to me. =)

I don't know what to say...

2005-06-25T18:45:00.000+08:00

I tried to reach out to you guys.

I even sat with one of you. Pero lumipat kayo ng seats. I was waiting for you to talk to me during class.. Say something... I swallowed my pride. But you didn't right? Si Jill pa ang nag-ask to have lunch with you guys and settle everything...

I'm sorry. You were waiting for me to say sorry kaninang lunch but I was also waiting for you guys to say it too. After all, we're all hurt. And I am pretty sure I was the one who was the most inflicted with pain. I may not cry in front of you, but I cry when I am alone. Have you forgotten that behind my tough maldita facade is a vulnerable sensitive person who is just trying to be strong?

Yeah, I made you choose between me and Gian because I want to know if you could understand my situation na walang working relationship sa amin ni Gian. Hindi ko kelangan ng isang tao na mambabara sa mga desisyons ko... Nasasaktan ako kasi you prefer his decisions over me when in fact I am the one who has the biggest concern over our thesis. Whatever I do, it's for us, for our own good. Why can't you guys see that? Hindi dahil may personal grudge ako with Gian. Kung yun lang I could keep up with that. Pero the group is too small to have two leaders. I hope you understand.

I am happy that you like to reboot our friendship. God, ang dami na nating napagdaanan na magkakasama. Nung inaway tayo ni Joyce remember? Sino ang nakikipag-patayan nung naoffend si Brent? Diba ako? Sinong nakikipagpatayan nung may nang iinsulto kay Ria sa blog ko? Diba ako? Ako? Sinong nakikipagpatayan pag may nang-aaway sa akin? Diba ako lang? Ako lang mag-isa ang nakikipagpatayan para sa sarili ko. And it hurts, God it hurts.

At kay Opiniano! Sa manyakis na Opiniano na yan! God knows how I hate him! Ang tagal ko nang nagtitiis dahil Prof natin sha! Oo! Willing ako gamitin ang charm ko, I can take advantage of that fact para lang we can get our way! Pero napapagod din ako! Akala nyo ba natutuwa ako na hinagod hagod nya ang likod ko nung friday night na hindi ko alam kung bakit dun sa Wendys nung nag-away away tayo? Na hinawak hawakan nya ako? Di ako makatulog sa kakaisip about it.

I don't know what will become of us on Monday... Bahala na ang Diyos about it.

Forgive me..

2005-06-19T17:43:00.000+08:00

To my dearest friend... You know who you are..

Forgive me if there are things I couldn't have the courage to tell you. Not that I do not trust you. Not that I intend to make you feel left out. But I am scared. Scared that you wouldn't understand.

We both know you already know what it is at the back of your mind...

And unfortunately, you are probably right.

There are some things that I couldn't bear to let you know, coz I don't want you to change what you perceive of me.

Someday, you'll know. And that's a guarantee.

And to all the haters out there, this is what I can say:

It's my life

It's now or never

I ain't gonna live forever

I just wanna live when I'm alive

IT'S MY LIFE

My heart is like an open highway

Let me say I did it my way

I just wanna live where I'm alive

IT'S MY LIFE

Lemme plug this. There's this guy sitting on my left who is also using a pc. He keeps on looking on my screen, on what I am typing so I hope he reads this so he'd know that I think he's stupid for not minding other people's business. Heheheheh.

The pc in this cafe really sucks. Mabagal, naghahang pa... Grrr...

I don't have classes tomorrow, till Wednesday and also on Friday. Meaning, I only have classes on Thursday and Saturday!

YAHOO!!! YEHEY!!! HIP HIP HOORAY!!!!

I feel better now... Konting cough and colds nalang... but I'm fine.=)

Happy Father's Day to my Dad who is no doubt the best father and provider in the world!!! Love you Dad! My only goal is to make you proud!!!!

Netopia..

2005-06-17T14:15:00.000+08:00

Here I am, trying to pass time..

Still got classes later at 3...

Hi Sherry! Nice knowing you too... Too bad I didn't get to meet you.. About Jason, well, past is past... I don't give a damn about him anymore, but his friend Danly.. I'm bothered with what he's doing with my friend, I'm pretty sure he's just after her money. We are ALL sure (Ate Jing's friends) that he's just using her for her money and CRV. It's not like Danly to fall in love with a 34-year-old woman... He's just taking advantage of her loneliness... Say hi to E.R. for me and sorry if you got bored here..=) There aren't any people around in my blog when you came...

Still sick, Ria, Brent, Nina and I had lunch in SM Manila then went window shopping after... Nothing much today... Feel like sleeping all day long...

In the library with the rest of the gang...

2005-06-16T18:04:00.000+08:00

Here I am...

Not so well, but feeling better than yesterday.. Heheheheh..

I narrated to my friends what happened last Saturday when I saw Voltaire again after almost 8 years.

They listened with an "eager" curiosity. And, well, sympathized with me...

"Wawa naman si Mela..." My friend Badet said.

I'm actually okay now. Still single and just fine.

My eyes feasted on cute boys all day long. Make that cute FRESHMEN boys. I get satisfaction just by the mere fact that I see them staring at me whenever I walk by. Or maybe I just caught their attention or something like that. Whatever. At least I'm still noticed... What was the term again? Oh right! "Bumebenta pa!" Hahahahah!

Ria wasn't in the mood to boywatch so I was just kinda tagging her along in my antics. I certainly couldn't boywatch with Brent, nor Badet, nor Jam coz it's not their thing. Ria's my only partner when it comes to that.. But she still seemed to be depressed over her failed love life.

Well... she's not the only one who's like that and she knows it.

"Alam mo Ria, kahit hindi na ako magkaboyfriend, ok lang! Basta ma-surround lang ako ng mga ganito kagwa-gwapo araw-araw!" I told her with a laugh.

We watched a movie kanina. Nasaan Ka Man... The movie with Claudine, Diet and Echo in it. It was good. I cried, and so did Ria. I won't talk about the movie coz I don't wanna be a spoiler, but I really recommend that you check it out.

I realized...

What if Mr. Right's in heaven already?

What if my soul mate... is just what he is to be? A soul per se?

What is it for me now?

What am I to do?

The first day of my last year in college is just fine. Same uniform, with longer hair, a little ill... I'm still the same me.

Same day next year, I'm probably working already. Also typing on the computer, not on my blog but on MS Word doing some crazy news story for a newspaper, or a silly news script for a broadcasting company.

This is my last day in college, and I wonder... "How am I going to spend it wisely?"

Soon, I'll be 20. Only 5 months more and my teenage life is over. What shall I do to make it memorable?

I dunno... My head is bombarded with questions that I know I couldn't answer.

Not such a good day.

2005-06-15T22:38:00.000+08:00

I'm sick. I'm waiting for Ria to drop by, she said she'd accompany me to the hospital. I need to have a nebulizer. I woke up desperately catching air to breathe. Wala naman ako lagnat... it's just that I have difficulty breathing.

Haggard na haggard na ang itsura ko. I couldn't even recognize myself in the mirror.

Masyado ko na napapabayaan ang sarili ko.

I called my dad, told him I was sick.. well he couldn't do anything about it coz nasa Olongapo sha.. The least he could do is send me more money. I called up my Mom but it turns out she had some important errands to attend to. My brother is having is review, and my sister is in school.

Damn.

It's all up to me now. Cure myself.

Independence. I love this word. But in times like this, it doesn't really help to be alone.

"Bilib na tlga ako sayo ha, may sakit ka na nag-iinternet ka pa!" Ria texted a while ago when I told her to just meet me in bootcamp.

Well, first of all solo ko itong net cafe, and at home na talaga ako dito coz it's just across my dorm. There's no one around and I'm really comfortable here so i't ok.

I can't wait to get to the hospital. I can't wait to get well then tire myself again and again and again.

My Life Lately...

2005-06-14T17:20:00.000+08:00

Sorry peeps if I didn't get to blog since Saturday... You have no idea how eager I am to share with you how my life has been lately.

Well... it's really nothing more than a combination of physical and emotional stress. Boy am I glad that classes will start on Thursday (it's our free day every Tuesdays and Wednesdays).

Let me start with what happened on my Saturday night gimmick with Ate Jing and her friends. It was my last Saturday in Subic, so I made it a point that I will go out and enjoy the last Saturday of my summer vacation. Well, we did the usual-- go to Brew's then Sibil after. I met guys. I met my guy batchmates in elementary after 7 years of not knowing what happened to them. I met lots of cute acquaintances. And I saw Voltaire.

You guys all know Voltaire. Remember my email add? voltairelovescarmela@yahoo.com right? Nah, he was never my boyfriend. He was my 1st crush. When I was young, I wrote poems about him everyday. I will wait for him after school when I was about Grade V and make a point that we ride the same jeepney. I adored him and even worshipped him. But when I went to Manila to study for high school ( St. Paul QC), I never saw him again. For so many years, I looked for him, Angela (my bestfriend) always accompanied me in searching for him but well, it was a failure finding him. So I made a vow that if destiny gives me a chance to see him, I'd tell him how I feel and make him fall in love with me.

So there was the chance. I saw him in Brew's, and he was with 4 girls. I wasn't even sure if it was him. He looked mature, the innocent look on his face which I had adored faded. I hesitated.

I saw other people. Thina, Kamil, all of my ex's bitch friends, and there were cute guys who offered a bottle of whiskey which I did not decline because I knew I needed the drink. Deo was there... all the people familiar to me were there.

I passed the chance of approaching him. What the heck.

But then when we went to Sibil, I saw him there. Again. What a lucky coincidence. It must be fate! So I gathered up all my courage, didn't give a damn about the girl who were having dirty dancing with him, took advantage of my drunkenness and went up to him.

"Voltaire, ikaw ba yan?"

He did not answer me. He just stared at me and had let go of the girl he was maliciously dancing with.

"Voltaire ba ang name mo?"

I thought, damn, please say something, I want to know if it's you.

He smoked the cigarette he was holding. Then smiled.

"Yeah."

"Remember me? Kapatid ako ni Paula Gonzales..."

He knew my sister well. That's why I introduced myself that way. My sister is kinda popular in my hometown, and people did not know she had a younger sister. I am a living enigma in my hometown so I had to explain. I knew he knew me.

"Oh.. yeah. Ikaw ba yan? Ang laki laki mo na ha? " He smiled.

I smiled too, I flashed him my sweetest smile. "Ikaw din, uh... ang payat mo na.." That's all I could say when I stared at his body. He certainly looked miserable.

"Nag-aaral ka pa ba?" I immediately asked to continue the conversation.

"May anak na ako. Nakikita mo yung babaeng yun? (he said, pointing to an ordinary-looking girl with heavy make-up who was dirty dancing with a foreigner) Yun ang nanay ng anak ko. Nakita mo ba ang ginagawa nya? Hindi ako nakainom lang ha, pero ayoko na, sawang-sawa na ako sa ugali nya."

He said a foul word, then smoked again.

"Oh.."

That was all I can say.

"You wanna get my number?" he asked.

"Excuse me?"

"I said you wanna get my number?"

"Uh.. why don't I just give you mine.."

So there, we exchanged numbers. He texted me all night nung nasa Sibil kami. I don't know if it's forbidden for us to talk, or maybe ayoko rin kasing kausapin sha in person, so kahit na he's just within my reach, mas gusto kong magtext na lang kami.

My whole world turned upside down. I was disillusioned.

God, Voltaire, what happened to you?

Why didn't you wait for me?

Out of depression, I let other guys approach me and offer me drinks. Alcoholic of course! I got myself so tipsy that I easily entertain anyone who asked for my number. I couldn't even recall who were they. I am just so glad they stopped texting since Sunday when I bugged them off and told them I was just drunk and I was not interested with them.

Christian was there with my friend Yonel. They arrived at about 3 a.m., when my friends and I were about to leave na. What a scence. I guessed they might have seen me entertaining lots of boys and giving my number to anyone who asked. What the heck, I was drunk, but I still felt the shame. One of their ugly friends tried to kiss me and I did not lose my mind to let him do that. I pushed him away of course and said, "Gago ka ha!"

Anyway, Christian was a guy whom I used to like because I thought he was the one but I did not know I was going to face a huge disappointment. Now, we're just "friends" I think, nothing more. I am not allowed to state the reasons why because I made a promise to him that I won't blogticize him no matter what happens. It's just that he said he liked being single, I didn't know if it's his way of expressing that he doesn't like me, or he just changed his mind because the first time I talked with him he told me he was looking for the right girl.

I wonder why sweet men suddenly turn into monsters when they find something in you which they dislike.

Sunday was a bore.

Monday (yesterday) was sort of a playtime for me. I just spent my whole day with my kid cousins (they were aged 5 to 13) and played with them all day long. As in literally play (taguan, habulan, mag-bike, maglaro ng sisiw, makipagkwentuhan ng nakakatakot).

Then something really funny and memorable happend last night which I could not state here because it's off the record. (Ria, ikaw lang ang nakakaalam ha? Love u!=P)

I'm sick now, I got cough. I am overfatigued. For three consecutive days I slept at around 5 am na and got up really early. I felt like a zombie.

I guess I'd never forget the guy who told me this:

"Kahit ganto lang ako, this guy will never leave you."

Why do I feel as if he really would keep his word?

I don't wanna hold on to it.

For three consecutive dawns, I would curl myself into a ball, hug myself...

And cry myself to sleep.

Loneliness just doesn't fade away for me. It goes for a while when I smile---

then comes back when I don't.

Just Another Manic Friday

2005-06-10T18:55:00.000+08:00

I didn't wake up at the right side of the bed.

All day I was experiencing headaches. And I was so0o0o cold. In fact, nakajacket talaga ako ngayon. I wanted to stay home all day long but my dad forced me to eat lunch with him and his balikbayan friends sa Legenda Hotel.

Iba talaga ang mga balikbayan noh? Karamihan walang pagmamahal sa sariling bansa. They were actually polluting my mind. Kung alam nyo lang bwisit na bwisit na ako.

One of them asked:

"I heard you wanted to be a journalist. Mahirap yan, mamamatay kang gutom. Sisikat ka lang, pero wala kang pera. Unlike your dad, who's a lawyer. Pati kuya mo magiging lawyer. And look at your sister, she'll be a dentist. Ikaw journalist ka lang. Mag-Amerika ka nalang, mas kikita ka dun."

I said:

"Gusto ko makatulong sa mga inaapi. At ayoko maging abogado. Hindi ko calling. Eto po talaga ang gusto ko."

He insisted:

"Naku! Naku! Mamamatay kang gutom! Uunahin mo pa ang kapakanan ng iba wala kang mapapala dun! Sa Amerika ka magtabaho! Maganda ang buhay dun! At ayaw mo ba nun? Hahanapan ka namin ng mapapangasawang mayamang dollar-earner!"

Mukhang pera ang mga balikabayan na ito. Kung wala lang tatay ko dun nagwalk-out na ako eh. Ano bang akala nila sa akin? Isang ambisyosang Pinay na ang pangarap lang eh makatungtong ng Amerika at anakan ng isang mabahong kano?

Buong time na magkasama kami, paulit ulit nilang sinasabi na sa Amerika mas maganda, at wala akong kikitain sa pagiging reporter. Paki ba nila? Tatay ko nga di ako mapigil eh, sila pa? Pampasira talaga sila ng araw.

I know I'd sound like a Katipunera pero kaya ganito ang Pinas dahil may mga katulad nila na walang pagmamahal sa sariling bayan. Kahit sa mga kapwa Pinoy nila. Sila ngang mag-asawa mga doktor dito bago umalis ng Pinas eh. Pero anong trabaho nila sa States! Doktor ba sila dun? Hindi! Taga-tinda lang ng insurance.

Buti pa yung ibang mga kilala ko na nangingibang-bansa, uwing-uwi na sa Pinas. Sila, diring-diri sa Pinas, akala mo kung sino na umasta.

I have nothing against Filipinos na nasa ibang bansa, or sa mga Balikbayan. In fact, my 3 bestfriends are actually out of the country. Sila E.R., Angela, and Don.. Ika nga, tatlong unos sa buhay ko ang sunod-sunod nilang pag-alis. Pero sila, hindi ganun tulad sa mag-asawa na yun.

Nga pala, eto si E.R., na dati payat, ngayon tumaba na sa kakakain sa Oklahoma, heheheh.=) Machong macho na etong bestfriend ko at talaga namang kayang-kaya na nya magdrive ng tractor hahahaha!=) Miss na miss ko na sha..=)

Bukas, gigimik nanaman ako. Mamboboylets nanaman cguro kami ni Ate Jing. Eh ano pa. Eh di punuan ang puwang na iniwan ng mga dinispatchang boylets diba? Hahahahah!

Nga pala, sa mga nagtataka kung bakit instant goner si Gunter sa buhay ko, eh isa lang ang masasabi ko. Takot ako sa masyadong agressive. At pwede ba, ayoko ng puro dakdak na lalaki. Yun lang heheheh.

Night Out Last Night...

2005-06-09T16:20:00.000+08:00

Last night, Ate Jing and I had dinner together. She really did not look her age. She's 34 years old, already has a 5-year-old son, but she's petite, about 4'9 lang in height, and really cute. Ako nga actually ang napagkakamalang mas matanda sa amin, considering that I dress maturely and I like wearing high-heeled shoes. I was supposed to have dinner with my family, but I favored going with her coz I know she's a very lonely woman. She picked me up at around 8 sa house. She was wearing long sleeves and a mini skirt, ako naman haltered and pants lang. Parehas pa nga kami ng kulay ng top. Para kaming sasayaw heheheheh. After eating sa Coco Lime (dun kami nauwi coz we couldn't decide where to eat), we went straight to Brew's at around 9:30.

Nandun si Deo. Remember him? The really cute guy na drummer sa isang acoustic band dun called "Dreamcast"? Well... he was there. I don't know whether I should just disappear or what. I don't know if I should offer an excuse as to why I don't answer his calls. Nakokonsensya ako in a way. Kasi at first I acted like I was really interested in him, tapos nung ayan na sha, bigla nalang akong nawala. What can I do? Hindi naman talaga kami compatible. Gwapo sha, yun lang. Period. Pero aside from that, wala na eh.. wala na.

Ate Jing and I sat sa may gitna. And this certain guy na payat na cguro kasing tanda ko lang, nagparequest sa current band na nagpeperform to sing "Waiting in Vain" dedicated to the girl who has the sweetest smile in Brew's, na of course hindi ako kasi walang nakakakita sa akin kahit humalakhak ako dahil sa pader ako nakaharap. hahahahah! He was referring to Ate Jing! Later on, nagpadala yung guy ng note written on a tissue paper kay Ate Jing. It says, "Hi cutie, text me at blah blah blah..." Hahahahah! Nakakatawa.

At least naaliw si Ate Jing.. lagi nalang kasi shang malungkot eh. Dahil sa gagong asawa nya. Nakalimang baso ako ng Bailey's (my favorite next to Kiwi Margarita) coz like her, I felt depressed. Tapos kumanta si Deo ng "With or Without You"... Magaling pala sha kumanta nakaka-in love. Pero nagyaya na si Ate Jing na mag-iyakan daw kami sa loob ng base so umalis na kami kagad on the middle of his performance.

Nagpunta kami sa Sea Front... Nagshare ako ng mga saloobin, mga secrets.. why I wanted her to stop talking about Jayson.. Sha rin nag-share. Super bonding.. That moment, I knew our friendship we're meant to be.

Anyway plug ko lang ito para kay Ria: Nakita na ni Ate Jing si Kamil sa Sibil last May 28. At eto ang sinabi nya--- Mukha daw BUTIKING PASAY si Kamil, kaya wag ka na maoffend sa sinasabi ng ibang walang masabi, dahil definitely, magandang tao ka at hindi ka mukhang butiking sunog. Ok? Heheheheheh. =)

Mitch, nakita kita sa enrollment, hiniram pa nga no Brent pen mo eh, hehehe, hindi na nya naibalik, sa pasukan nalang daw... Nakapila ako when I saw you, when I looked back wala ka na. Lalapit sana ako sa iyo.=) Di bale, sa pasukan nalang. I hope you're right about the Mr. Right thing..

Rix, ayoko na nga maghintay kay Mr. Right eh. Siguraduhin lang nyang wag shang susulpot pag pagod na ako ha, heheheheh.=) Kasi hindi ko talaga sha tatanggapin.

"You had me at hello"? Diba that's the line from the Jerry Maguire movie? It was spoken by Renee Zellweger.Who are you ba, deadshot? Have we met?

That's all for now. I gotta go..

Para sa inyong lahat PART II

2005-06-08T16:14:00.000+08:00

To "Name Please", I agree with what you posted "for what seems to be the time it takes to find each other is the length of love enjoyed together." Oh, alright it's ok I wasn't saying you're my Mr. Right naman eh, heheheh.

To "friendless", I am not sure if Ria would still appreciate your comment. But thanks for being nicer and more polite this time. We would really like it if you become our friend.=) Peace.

To E.R. nagreply na ako sa mail mo friend, hope you'll reply kagad. Yup maraming mapagpanggap.. pero don't worry di naman ako magpapaloko.=) Thanks friend miss you..Nga pala si Angela nagtatampo sa akin coz wala daw ako time sa kanya makipagchat, sana kausapin mo sha na wag na magtampo kasi busy lang talaga ako this summer...

To "dead shot", I don't know you and I don't get what you mean. You've mistaken me for another girl. I am myself, and I've always been and I'm sorry, I don't think I read you right when you said I have to be myself for you to love me. Excuse me? Why would I want you to love me? I don't even know you.

To Ria, miss you nga eh.. Sobra. Di bale pasukan na next week. =) Ok lang, yun, magkikita-kita na uli tayo. Balik saya nanaman!=)

To Selvin, nice name! It's my first time to encounter such name, cool.=) Thanks for the compliment, how did you stumble in my blog? Sure we can be friends.=)

Para sa inyong lahat...

2005-06-07T13:37:00.000+08:00

Deadshot, who are you? You love me for the way I am? Thanks for that, but I can't understand what you mean. Put up an act? As in pretend so you could love me? I don't think I've done that kind of pretending... Would you please elaborate? Email me, voltairelovescarmela@yahoo.com. You do not have to introduce yourself if you don't want to.

Nameless, you're trying to find me? What's taking you so long? heheheheh.

E.R., sorry now lang ako nakablog, busy kasi these past few days. Si Gunter, wala na. Ayoko na sa kanya eh. Feeling ko hindi kami para sa isa't-isa. Sabi ko nga diba, si Patrick nga binasted ko eh, sha pa kaya na parehas lang sila? E.R. RULEZ!!!

Jam, miss you too, I was glad nakita na kita kanina.

Friendster, thanks so much ha? I wish I could meet you para makilala ka rin ng friends ko.=) Mwah.

Friendless, tabla ka na. Tablang tabla ka na heheheheh.

Bryan, thank you din.. Mwah *blush blush*

Ria, cool ka lang! =) Miss you! Ganda tayo okie, malayong malayo kay Kamil. =)

T.G.I.Friday...

2005-06-03T17:51:00.000+08:00

Nothing much today... Just looking forward to dinner... I'm really starving now eh. Pero mas gusto ko pa magnet kesa kumain. Eh kasi naman... my mom and sis are in the church, si dad nasa office pa, si Ate Jing kasama baby boy nya... So I'm all alone... Hindi ko na tinetext si Gunter. Why should I? I have no feelings for him, it was all a big mistake.

Was I unfair?

It's either him, or me.

I couldn't be unfair to myself.

Mr. Right, asan ka na ba? Asan ka na ba? Dadating ka pa ba? Hihintayin pa ba kita? Buhay ka pa ba? Buhay ka na ba? Nauna ka na ba? Pagod ka na ba sa kakahanap sa akin?

Hay....

What a Bad Day

2005-06-02T18:02:00.000+08:00

This day is not so good. Ang daming pakialamera, ang daming nagbibida-bidahan, at ang daming manggagamit.

Asar ako sa friend kong Dentista, si Ate Jing. Guess what she did! Pinahiram nya ang CRV nya kay Danly. Paikot ikot ang sasakyan nya sa buong Olongapo sakay ang barkadang tanga ni Danly, kasama shempre si Jayson na ex ko. Anong kinagagalit ko? Magsasampa ng demanda na concubinage si Ate Jing sa asawa nyang may kabit. Pag nakita ng asawa nya na sha mismo maraming sakay na lalaki sa CRV nya, pwede shang i-counter charge at baka sha pa ang mademanda.

2nd, hindi sha dapat pumayag na magpagamit. Gasolina nya ang ginagamit nung mga hayop na lalaking yun para mamulot ng GRO o kung sino mang babae ang gusto nilang pulutin.

Kagulat-gulat kasi ilang beses ko pinablink blink yung corolla na dala ko kanina at nagbusi-busina pa ako kasi akala ko si Ate Jing yung nagdridrive. Pagbaba nung bintana, yung hayop na Danly pala.

Kasama ko nung yung secretary ng Dad ko, si Loida. Tinanong nya kung ano yung tinitingnan ko. Sabi ko, nakita ko ex ko (yun ang naisip ko imention kasi pag sinabi ko na si Danly, itatanong pa nya malamang kung sino si Danly at ayoko nang madagdagan pa ang usapan). So ginawa ko, nagpark ako sa tapat ng office ng dad ko. Bumaba na kami, at pagkababa sabi ko, "Punta lang ako sa clinic ni Doc", eh ang clinic ni Doc eh nasa tapat lang ng office ng dad ko. Biruin mo naman na gusto pa akong sundan at samahan. Sabi ko wag na.

Pagdating ko sa clinic ni Ate Jing, pinagalitan ko sha sa nangyari, insisting na bawiin nya ang sasakyan nya. Sabi nya "Eh inutusan ko rin naman sila gawin yung errands ko for me eh..." Sabi ko, kung ganon, bakit nakaparada lang sa labas ng AMA yung sasakyan nya kanina at nakita ko naman ngayon na paikot-ikot lang na parang nagjojoyride? Buti nalang may dala akong sasakyan, I had the opportunity para i-trail yung kotse nya.

Ang nagulat pa ako, pinadala ni Ate Jing yung ATM nya. Wow. Unbelievable. She hardly knew that Danly at pinagkatiwala nya ang ATM nya.

Biglang tumawag si Loida sa clinic. Pinapauwi na daw ako ng dad ko. Guess what, sinabi nya sa dad ko na si Jayson ay nasa clinic at ngayon pinagdududahan na ako ng dad ko na baka nagkakamabutihan nanaman kami. Gusto ko na talagang magsisigaw kanina. Sana nagstay nalang ako sa bahay.

Pero, kilala nyo naman ako eh. Hindi jan nagtatapos ang kwento. Si Gunter, yung german guy, nagpropose ng commitment last night. Di ko alam kung kakagatin ko ang offer or not. I said yes nalang, pero deep inside it's a NO. Ewan ko ba kung anong nakain ko at pumayag ako. Baka yung black forest ng Red Ribbon na binili ko. Obvious naman na walang chemistry. Saka ko na sha proproblemahin pagbalik ko ng Manila. Madali lang naman lusutan kung ayaw ko na eh. Kung magyayaya sha magkita, it's easy to turn down.

It's just a spur of the moment thing. I have no feelings for him. Nung binalita ko nga kay Ria, parang naguiguilty ako kasi sarili ko ang niloloko ko.

Ako?

May boyfriend na?

Yeah. Right. Parang may mali ata sa statement na yun. I'm destined to be lonely for the rest of my life nga diba?

Si Ria nga din di makapaniwala eh. Eh di pa nga kami nagkikita nung Aleman na yun eh. Puro palitan lang ng mms pics sa phone.

Di ko nga mafeel ang kasiyahan o excitement na "committed" kuno na ako. Kanina pa nga yun text ng text hindi ko nirereplyan eh. Wala akong gana.

Bakit ba kasi ako pumayag sa pagmamadali nung Aleman na yun? Ano bang kinakatakot ko?

Ang hindi na dumating si Mr. Right?

Ang tumanda na nag-iisa?

Ano bang problema ko?

Ewan ko..

Bagyo sa Olongapo...

2005-06-01T18:46:00.000+08:00

I feel sick today...

Share ko lang ang mga pics ko ha? Heheheh...

Eto, sa Absinth Bar sa Greenbelt... Si Arthur ang kumuha nito...=)

Kasama ko jan si DJ JD ha, hindi sa Gunter. Hahahahaha! Bakit lahat ng kalbo magkakamukha? Heheheheh!=)

Wala lang ako magawa... heheheheh.... calling tha attention of Ms. Ria Hazel... may nang-iinsulto nanaman sa iyo sa blog ko heheheheh...=)

Anyway, nakita ni Doc si Bingot sa Brew's Bistro. Ang laki daw talaga ng ilong ni Kamil, nagniningning sa kalakihan hahahahah.=) Kaya Ria relax, inaasar ka lang talaga ni friendless kasi wala shang friend, hahahahah!=) Maraming nagsasabi na pangit si kamil at di mo kamukha, relax ka lang jan...=)

Pssst. Wag mag-away sa blog ko. Bryan, who are you ba? Thanks sa pagtatanggol mo.=) Nasa'yo support namin. Go Go Go!=)

My 2nd post for today...

2005-05-31T19:00:00.000+08:00

What a schedule. I just want to die. Nareceive ko na sa email ang magiging schedule ko sa 1st sem. Grabe.

Monday 3 to 9 pm
Tuesday 3 to 6 pm
Thursday 8 to 11 am, then 3 to 9 pm
Friday 8 to 11 am then 3 to 6 pm
Saturday 8 to 11 am

I just want to die right now.

Wednesday lang ang free day ko for the whole school week and it's not exactly a free day coz kelangan ko mag-aral for the three Thursday subjects. I feel so dead.

WAHHHHHHH!!! Wala na talaga akong time for any relationship! Even commitment!

I must kiss dating goodbye! WAHHHHHH!!!!!

Rainy Days and Tuesdays...

2005-05-31T17:14:00.000+08:00

Sabi sa inyo cute si Gunter eh... Heheheh. Pero uy ha, hindi ko sha boyfriend.. Well, not yet. Heheheh. Maraming factors ang kelangan ko i-consider... Wala kasi silang pinagkaiba ni Patrick eh. Parehas silang bar-owner. Parehas na mukhang playboy (o playboy nga talaga?) and lapitin ng girls. Para saan pang binasted ko si Patrick kung iaaccept ko si Gunter? Diba? =( Sad, sad life... Bakit ba puro bar-owners ang nahuhumaling sa akin? Huhuhuh...

Mitch! Heheheh, I agree with you, di na dapat pinag-aaksayahan ni Ria ng time si Patrick eh wala namang kwenta yun! Something tells me na lahat ng Patrick walang kwenta! Hahahahah! Miss you tlga mitchy... I checked your blog, it's so cool! Amazing! And the pic ha, ang taray! Sexy sexy!=)

E.R.! Now lang kita nakitang magalit talaga.. Salamat sa pagtatanggol but I think wala na yung nang-aaway sa amin ni Ria... napagod na cguro kasi wala naman sha napapala sa ginawa nya. Natakot cguro kay Ria heheheh. Kung makikita mo lang yung iba pang posts ni Ria matatakot ka talaga. =) Ingat ka lagi jan sa 'Tate ha... sana uwi ka na ng Pinas... Miss you.

Gel, I know you always drop by my blog.. I sent you a letter, through snail mail para mas personal. I hope you receive it. Miss you bes...=(

Si Don na bestfriend ko na nasa Aussie tumawag sa akin kagabi pero nung sinagot ko, parang bumaliktad, puro ring lang ang naririnig ko at sha pa ang sumagot! Heheheheh! Globe kasi ang number na gamit nya kaya akala ko nasa Pinas na sha. Yun pala nasa Aussie parin. At least nakapagkamustahan kami kahit papano... Namiss ko na ang boses nun. Yung soft at super nakakarelax na gwapong voice, heheheheh.=)

It's my dad's birthday tomorrow, he'll be turning 58 na. I couldn't believe how fast life is.. Dati, baby lang ako, and batang-bata pa dad ko. Now, matanda na ako, turning 20 soon.... and my Dad... mahina na, with wrinkles... I don't wanna think about it. Pinipilit nya nga ako mag-take ng law eh. Ayoko talaga... Sabi nya sa akin kagabi, after we had dinner sa Pacific Grill (kami lang kasi magkasama last night coz lumuwas ang rest ng family ko sa Manila):

"Take ka lang ng Law sa U.P. Sige na anak, sabi mo nung bata ka gusto mo maging katulad ko diba?"

"Dad kasi.. nagbabago ang tao eh.. gusto ko maging journalist.. si Kuya naman magiging abogado na eh. At least may nagfulfill para sa iyo diba?"

"Gusto ko walang makakapang-api sa iyo pag wala na ako.. Pagbigyan mo lang ako."

"Dad hindi ko calling eh... Saka papano kita kukunin pag nag-retire ka na kung wala pa akong ipon? Magtatrabaho na ako kagad. Kukunin na kita after 10 years... Diba promise ko sa iyo yun tayong dalawa magkasama pagtanda mo? Heheh."

But my dad didn't look very happy. I guess he really wanted me to take up Law. But I can't. Di ko talaga mafeel na yun ang gusto ko eh. Saka gusto ko pa makita ang mga anak kong lumaki pagdating ng panahon noh... Tinatamad na nga ako mag-aral tapos mag-aaral na naman ako... Hayy...

O Ria, I told you Gunter was cute... heheheh. Pero iba ito, di ko maintindihan, tumawag sha sa akin kagabi, through cell of course, di ko ma-catch ang english! Masyadong slang ito pag nag-english! Hahahah! Eto yung isang part ng usapan namin na natawa talaga ako!

"Bakit ako ang gusto mo eh para kang Amboy? Diba dapat morena ang hilig mo?"

"Huh? What are you talking about?"

"Eh kasi yung mga Amboy dito sa Olongapo puro morena na mukhang exotic ang gusto. Diba dapat ganun ka din? Bakit mestiza ang hanap mo? Heheheh."

"Excuse me, hindi ako Amerasian ha, Eurasian ako."

"Hahahahaha!"

"I eat steaks, I don't eat hamburgers!"

"Hahahahaha!"

Nakakatawa talaga itong Aleman na ito. Weird pala ang mga kadugo ni Hitler noh? Hahahahah! =)

Eto pa sabi nya:

"I want commitment coz I wanna marry by 30."

I said, "30? Eh 22 ka palang ah, 8 years pa yun naghahanda ka na?"

"Ano pala, maghanap ako when I'm 30 already? Parang pinupulot lang ang asawa ha?"

"Seryoso ka ba? Kasi wala ako balak maghintay ng 8 years if ever, gusto ko na mag-asawa after 6 years."

"Hahahahah! Masyado ka naman nagmamadali! Of course I'd like to be stable muna!"

"Eh di bahala ka, iiwan kita. Basta ako stable na after 6 years, bahala ka sa buhay mo, hahahahaha!"

"Sama ng ugali mo ha! Heheheh!"

O diba. We're talking about marriage already. As erf!=)

Hay... Bakit ba lagi akong tinatanong ng mga tao why I'm single? Wala ba akong karapatan maging single? Eh sa wala eh... Wala.. Wala.. Wala.. =( Oo na! Aaminin ko na! Takot ako sa commitment kasi takot ako masaktan! O ayan na! =( Kaya one year na, wala parin ako bf... Kaya isang taon na akong nambabasted. WAHHHHHHH!!!!

I'm just so scared... Where could my Mr. Right be? Have I found him na? Or is he yet to come? =(

I really got a crush on this guy...

2005-05-30T17:43:00.000+08:00

No matter what they say, no matter how they react, even though hindi kami bagay, I still like this guy... He's definitely my kind of guy and I'm so0o0o looking forward to have a date with him when I get back to Manila.

We've been texting for quite some time now... He graduated from San Beda, Marketing Management ang course nya... The guy's really smart. He's got lots of sense in him... He's straightforward and very open.

He's with his cousin Tracy on the pic. Just look at him... His nose is one of a kind. I'm so into noses because it's my weakness... 5'9, athletic built, and a bar-owner.. I couldn't believe he was so into me as well.

That's me in the APO fratball...

Friendly who are you? Mahal mo ako? Hahahahaha! Come on man, show yourself! Tell us who you are! Welcome to my world!=)

Mark, the taggy's not a chatroom, just leave your message on the taggy and I'll try to answer you right away.=)

Mitch, I miss you, thanks so much for being there.. And for reminding me na marami naman nagmamahal sa akin.=)

My 4th post for the day..

2005-05-27T18:21:00.000+08:00

Hayy salamat! Online si Brent! Kumpleto nanaman ang happy tree friends (Ria, Brent, and I). Eto, todo sumbong kami kay Brent. Grabe. Galing lang akong parlor at nawiwindang ako sa mga pangyayari. So hindi daw si Perry ang nanggugulo sa blog ko. What else, si Deo, hindi kami bagay. Ngayon ko lang napatunayan sa sarili ko na napaka-vain nya. Feeling nya it's all about him. In fact, feeling nya I was so0o0o into him. God. Pacute ng pa-cute. Parang ayoko tuloy pumunta ng Brew's later. Baka isipin nya, sha ang pinupuntahan ko dun. Ayoko nang kausapin sha. Mashado sha bilib sa sarili nya. Eto nga eh, nagmemessage sa akin sa YM. Laging sha, sha ng sha. Ang topic namin sha. Work nya, band nya, lifestyle nya, music nya, poems nya. Sha. Sha. Sha. I'm sick and tired of it.

This is my 3rd post for the day..

2005-05-27T17:39:00.000+08:00

To all my blog visitors and friends, iisang tao lang ang nanggugulo sa blog ko. Iisa lang si "a friend" at "another friend". He has a bad case of schizophrenia. As you can see, una nyang inaway si Jay na friend ko, sunod ako, sunod naman si Ria. Kahit ayokong patulan sha, I feel that I have to because this is my blog and he is filling it with dirty remarks. Tinanong sha ni Jay kung "he" ba sha, "she", or "it". And ang sinagot nya ay "it". Alam mo, kung sino ka mang nanggugulo ka, "it" ka nga. Why? Kasi hindi ka lang mukhang hayop, asal hayop ka rin. It's either you're too insecure, or nasaktan ko ang ego mo. Bakit ba ang laki ng galit mo sakin? Kahit naman magpapansin ka sa blog ko, wala namang magagawa yan eh. I couldn't care less kasi hindi sa gantong paraan mo ako masisira. You're a coward. O, baka di mo alam ang ibig sabihin nyan ha? In tagalog, duwag. Ako nalang ang awayin mo, wag na mga kaibigan ko kasi wala naman silang ginagawa sa iyo. Tingnan mo muna mukha mo bago ka manlait ha? Kawawa ka naman. Malamang kaya ganyan ang ugali mo kasi walang pumapansin sa iyo.

This is Ria. She's charming, way way nicer, prettier and more adorable than Kamil. Kung sino ka mang gago ka, how dare you insult my friend like that? Kung fan ka ni Kamil, wag mo idamay friend ko. Kapal talaga ng mukha mo!

My pretty sister and I...

2005-05-27T12:57:00.000+08:00

This is my Ate Paula.. ang ganda nya no? Sha ang pinakamaputi sa amin sa family. And kahit opposite kami sa lahat ng likes and dislikes, pati sa type sa guys, love na love ko sha... =) Taken yan sa By The Sea Resort nung debut nung isang family friend namin...

Then the guy here is Gunter Naugi Jensen... He's half-german, friend ko na crush naming dalawa ni Ate Paula... O diba, for once parehas naming crush ang isang guy, hehehehe.=)

Hahahahahah!

2005-05-26T17:43:00.000+08:00

Ria! Nabasa mo ba ang post ni "a friend"? Maganda daw si Kamil at sexy pa?!?!? Hahahahahah! That's hilarious! Hahahahah!=) Ria I'm sure meron ka masasabi about it! Hahahahahah!

Anyway, Deo went to my house at around nine... My mom was shocked. Deo wasn't exactly the kind of guy na magugustuhan ng parents. He's got a tattoo, at least 6 piercings, not so long hair, gothic-looking. But man! Was he attractive! There's something about him which draws me to him... I'm not sure if it's his eyes or smile, or lips.. God, what was I thinking!? Agghhh..

Super nataranta ako. I simply didn't know what to do. The first thing which crossed my mind was this...

"Is this guy really so into me? Ang lakas ng loob nya ha?!"

So yun, nagkwentuhan kami... Kinuha ko sha ng food saka juice.. Tapos pinakita ko sa kanya yung music magazine na project namin sa school last year. He was amazed. =)

He started looking at me. Grabe, his eyes were so... so... ugghhh! His stare was so meaningful I thought he was going to kiss me! Hahahahah! Eh tumabi pa sha sa tabi ko. Pero nung tagal tagal, nung comfortable na ako sa kanya, naisip ko na, hindi pala, mataas ang respeto nya sa akin, he's not gonna do something as stupid as that. Mukha lang talaga shang manghahalik! Hahahahah!

He just kept... staring at me... staring and staring... I wonder, "What's wrong with him? May dumi ba ako sa mukha?"

Hanggang sa yun, my mom called me and told me na he has to go na kasi 10:30 na. So I told him na gabi na kaya he has to go home. When he stood up, I was able to look at his whole body.. Ok naman pala, hindi payat, tama lang... His clothes were all black. Heheheh.

He called me up kaninang morning. Then said something which really flattered me.

"Your smile kasi eh.. I just can't.. take the image of your smile off my head."

He was asking me to come with him sa rehearsals nila for tonight's gig nila sa Brew's but I declined. Sabi ko "Anu ka ba, bukas naman pupunta kami ni Doc sa Brew's eh, makikita mo rin ako. Heheh."

Well he was really pleading. Pero I declined talaga. Pangit naman kung nagkikita kami araw-araw. Hindi ko naman sha boyfriend eh.

I'm currently chatting with my childhood crush Ian. Nasa Texas sha now. He said he'd be coming home dito sa Pinas early next year. He asked me if I'd like to join him pag pumunta sha sa Puerto Galera pag-uwi nya. Gosh... I wonder how it feels to spend 3 days with an undeniably attractive man in a far place... =) Heheheh, just the thought of it kinikilig na ako! I can't wait! Sana lang wala pa akong boyfriend by that time, kasi hindi ako sasama kung meron na. I trust Ian naman eh, kinakapatid sha ng Ate Paula ko and family friend namin sha. He said ipapaalam nya ako sa parents ko. Yun nga lang ewan ko kung papayagan ako. Bahala na! By this time next year I'll be on my own naman na... working. Grabe, I just love adventure. =P Life just doesn't get any better than this. =P Kaya lang matagal pa yun. Marami pa ako dapat isipin. Like how to deal with rejected guys na nanggugulo sa blog ko (right Kuya Jay? Apir!). Heheheh.

Hey Jam! What's up with ya?! =)

=)

Deo Deo Deo....

2005-05-25T17:54:00.000+08:00

Remember the guy I told you guys? Well... he called me kanina... Figures that hiningi nya ang landline ko kay Doc.. Doc said he probably is very interested in me. "Nacaptivate" ko daw kasi ng smile ko.. In other words, nabighani. I am so tensed right now. Deo said dadalaw daw sha sa house. I said cge, bahala sha if he wants to pero I warned him na hindi "cool" ang tatay ko sa mga guys na dumadalaw sa akin sa house... I'm just afraid that once my parents see Deo, they'd go nuts about my whereabouts kapag lalabas ako. They'd probably think na boyfriend ko na si Deo or something.. I am so tensed and nervous. After all, it's been quite a while since may huling nagpunta sa akin sa house. Si Jayson na ang huling lalaki na nagpunta dun na panliligaw ang pakay, and that's like April last year pa. What shall I do?

Hay... I slept at around 3:30 am kasi kausap ko si Ria. Nakita ko si Deo kagabi sa Brew's Bistro, and it's all my fault kung nagustuhan nya ako coz I flashed him a smile in a way na parang hindi na ako ngingiti sa buong buhay ko.. Then we had a little chitchat sa may CR... Cguro dun na nagsimula ang pagka-like nya sa akin. But that's all there is to it. Nothing else. Di kami bagay.. Music is his passion, mine is writing. Kaagaw ko ang drums sa kanya, ang banda nya, lahat. Mahihirapan ako sa kanya. But I'd really like to be his friend. I felt like I need one. Especially in this place... in Olongapo. I'd really need his company. Marami kasi ako memories sa lugar na ito na kelangan kalimutan and I feel like sha ang makakatulong sa akin. Anyway, pagbalik ko naman ng Manila, I doubt if we'll ever see each other again.

Wish me luck sa pagdalaw sa akin ni Deo later. I hope my parents don't interrogate him na parang kini-cross examine.

Anyway to Ria, actually, ang baba ni kamil ang great wall of china. Heheheh. Salamat sa pagpuno sa aking taggy. May nakuha akong pic nga pala ni Deo pero hindi sha cute dun, ang posing nya as if he's picking his nose, hahahaha! Kaya ako nalang ang magpipicture sa kanya. Heheheh.